Holidays, LVADS and travel...OH MY!

2013 has certainly been an adventurous year! If someone had told me on January 1st that our family would be facing such difficult challenges this year I would have said no and probably called you crazy! Truth is, our journey in 2013 has been one of sadness and difficulty, but also one of joy and pride. I am so proud of my family and friends for the love, support and guidance they have given us. From the calls, texts and emails, to the monetary and financial help, everyone has lifted us up and kept us moving. I'm so proud of our children and the way they stepped up to provide support and love to their Dad and I. Yes, they are adults but at 18 and 21, they are still trying to find their place in this world and they certainly never expected to be faced with such adult issues so early in life. But they are our children, and come from a family of love, laughter and spirit and have shown us that they can withstand anything this life has to throw at them. My precious Trouper, with his infectious laughter and endearing smile, has gone through endless pain but always put our family before his own wants or needs. When the doctor came into his hospital room in August, and said it was time to give up on a heart for a little while and get an LVAD, he looked at me and said he would hold on a little longer if I wanted him too. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and just like I tell him, I will continue to fight for him, even when he is too tired to fight. 2013, a year we will certainly never forget.

We leave for Texas on Saturday, going to spend time with family and friends in Arlington and Ranger. My Grandma Dorothy is 89 and I want to spend one more Christmas Eve with her, hearing stories about Christmas' of yesteryear and holding her hand while she watches everyone open gifts. She is an amazing women, and I owe her more than I can ever repay. She loves unconditionally, praises the Lord even during the most difficult times and inspires me to be the best woman I can be. Trouper wants to spend time with his family, including all the nieces and nephews. He has been through so much, and knows the value of time. Time is so precious and limited, this year has shown us that we don't need to waste it or wait for the perfect time to visit family.

This year our family is a little larger and Emily's boyfriend, Jake, will accompany us on our trip. I hope he's prepared for the craziness when we are all together. Coming from a family of 14 kids, I'm sure he can handle it but then again, we are a very special group. Traveling with an LVAD is challenging, we have to remember all the batteries and equipment, medicine and supplies. I've left lists for the kids and Trouper, so they can prepare while I'm at work but I am sure I will be trying to get it all pulled together at the last minute. Who knows if we will actually make it to Texas with everything we need, I'm just glad they have Kroger there because I know we can get any medicine we need or might have missed.

As for my last thoughts of 2013, I would like to leave you with a blessing:

May your home be filled with laughter, may your pockets be filled with gold. Any may you always have all the happiness your heart can hold.

Happy holidays friends and family and always remember you are a blessing to me!

Blessed....

"We were given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen but why only one heart? Because the other one was given to someone else, for us to find."

Next weekend, Trouper and I will join family and friends to celebrate the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my Aunt Glenda and my Uncle Don. Besides being wonderful, God loving people, they are a true inspiration to so many. From their devotion to service by their many years spent as missionaries in Africa and Mexico, to their strength and unconditional love for their friends and family. Thinking about them reminds me of all the strong people I've been blessed with, and how God knows who to put into your life and when to put them there.

My Mom is the most strong willed, opinionated person you will ever meet. It's usually her way or the highway, and I'm pretty sure she has never been wrong in her life. For years, I would argue with her but it's wasted breath, might as well just say yes, okay, and move on. However she loves fiercely and never gives up, two qualities I'm so happy she passed on to her children. Two difficult marriages, being knocked down, sick, unsure of her future and she pulls herself up, and keeps it moving. She went back to school in her 50's and earned her degree, she fell in love (again) with an old high school boyfriend and married him and when faced with the death of her beloved son, turned her sadness into helping others in her community. When Trouper first got sick, I knew I was strong enough to handle the situation because I am my Mother's daughter and I knew that things had to be done, and if I had trouble doing them, she would make sure they got done. She loves me, my faults and all and she is the world's best Grandma to my kids. When I don't think I can, my inner Carla says yes you can! We are blessed with Grandma Carla!

My Dad and Step-Mom, Benita, don't often get the credit they deserve and for that I am sorry. To say that the road to adulthood and an adult relationship has been rocky is an understatement but to their credit, they never gave up. Divorce is difficult and often, the kids are caught in the cross fires and that's exactly what happened to my sister and I. When we were younger, we were busy being kids so they didn't have the chance to see us often, and they didn't want to "intrude" on our lives. I didn't understand this until I was older, I just thought they were happy living their lives and two young kids didn't fit into that plan. Now, I understand and I appreciate the relationship we have. They are the most non judgmental people I know and I can call either one of them with any problem and instead of bad mouthing or complaining with me, they just try and get me to see the situation different, and throw some much needed wisdom my way.

My In-laws, Don and Teresa embody the quote "the greatest gift you can give others is unconditional love and acceptance". I've often said (about them) that they would love their children even if they were serial killers on death row. I can't say I've always agreed with them, but I do respect them. Not many people would give up their lives for months on end to spend each day at the hospital, caring for their adult son but they did just that, for two months. I've tried to give them the time they need to be with him, I know the sadness my Mom suffered when Bumper left us, and I know as a Mom the helplessness you feel when your children are ill. I am grateful for their love and support, when Trouper was in the hospital for so long their presence allowed me to come to work, deal with kids and home, and know that someone that loved Trouper was with him when I couldn't.

Kim, Jay and Amanda. I can't say enough about the three of them, or how much they've helped us over the past 9 months. From those first moments at the hospital, to accompanying Trouper to his weekly doctor appointments, they have been our security blanket. When we needed an organizer to get Emily to college, Uncle Jay was there. When we need snacks and Dr. Pepper Ten, Amanda and her cooler are there and when I need to complain and have someone tell Trouper he's being an ass, even if he doesn't feel good, Aunt Kim is there. God knew what he was doing when he had us live 10 minutes for them!

Kyna. My sister, my friend, my confidant, my security, my heart. She loves life, always has a smile and a words of wisdom and never gives up (she got that from Mom too!). I can't describe the depth of love I have for her, or how I count the days till I live closer to her. When Trouper got sick, I don't remember even asking her to come, her and Mom just showed up. When I see her name on my phone, I know I'm in for a good story and it usually comes just at the very moment I could use a good story. Since the day she was born, it was me and her vs. the world and she is living proof that your childhood doesn't write the story of your life. I'm beyond grateful for her, and wish everyone had a Kyna in their life.

So many others, I promise I will remember each of you in my Thankful status updates during November, just always know I appreciate your love and support beyond words.

Life through the windshield....

Someone once told me to always look at life through the windshield, not the rear view mirror. The past month, our family has done both, looking forward to Trouper's daily progression and milestones but also looking behind us, remembering where we were before and after February 16th and how difficult the past nine months have been for us.

It's hard not to reflect on the past year, but it's exciting to see the accomplishments that not only Trouper's made, but that our family as a whole have made. We are also looking forward to Trouper's eventual transplant, and if the past few months have shown me anything, it's that my husband is a real trooper and has the perfect name! He's braver and stronger than anyone I know and when the time comes, he will smile, make a joke about his new heart and his new career as a male dancer with a nice chest scar, and be the new poster boy for heart transplants.

I wouldn't be looking through the windshield if it weren't for the love and support I've gotten from our family, friends, doctors, nurses and even strangers. When I didn't know if I could endure another minute at the hospital, I heard yes you can, just take a breath and go back. When I complained about the way people were treating me, I heard does it matter in the end if they like you. When I didn't know where I would find the money to pay the car payment, I heard no worries, I've got this. Words of encouragement, words of wisdom and words of healing. Prayers and love for us from all over the world, a constant reminder that we aren't alone, and that our family is loved beyond words. I know I've said thank you, but I hope each of you know how deeply I mean that, and how much I appreciate your love, and sometimes gentle nudges, that keep me looking through the windshield. I promise to live life fully everyday, looking ahead to tomorrow!

Live
It
Fully
Everyday

Unanswered Prayers

I am stubborn and like to call all the shots, including all medical decisions regarding my family. Okay, I will pause while you gasp; in disbelief that timid, little 'ole Dara is stubborn. Laughs aside, it's been extremely difficult for me to relinquish control to those that should have it, but on Wednesday, August 28th we gave full control to Dr. Dean and his staff, finally realizing Trouper wasn't getting any better and after seven weeks in the hospital, a heart wasn't going to find him soon enough. His health was failing at an alarming rate, he looked and felt awful and his quality of life was nothing short of sad. The LVAD will allow him to build his strength, become active and best, allow him to come home, where he belongs. Our home is simply not a home when he isn't there. It's a sad place, even the dogs mope around, depressed that their beloved Trouper isn't around to sneak them treats or let them lay on my pillow and hog the blankets in bed. At 8 am, Trouper had LVAD surgery, thus making him inactive on the transplant list for six to eight months while he heals from surgery. Our family and friends gathered, prayed and waited six long hours for word that the surgery was a success. Dr. Dean met with us, and told us Trouper had done wonderful, and was well on his way to a speedy recovery. Today, two weeks and one day after surgery, Trouper is heading home. I can't find the words to describe how exciting this is, or how grateful I am, that Dr. Dean took control and told us, not asked us, that Trouper was getting an LVAD. An unanswered prayer. We had prayed relentlessly for a heart, but Trouper's perfect heart isn't ready yet. The Lord knows that home is where he needs to be, and that our family was incomplete without him. He knows that Trouper's body isn't healthy enough for the new heart and that he needs strength to be able to fight off infections. I read somewhere that the Lord may delay his promises, but will never deny them so I'm holding firm this is only a delay, and the Lord is just making sure Trouper's new heart arrives when his body is able to receive it.

When Trouper gets home today, he will officially be 40 years old....what an awesome birthday gift! He will be able to sleep in his own bed (dogs and all), have a homemade meal (he's requested turkey meatloaf) and his favorite birthday cake (yellow cake with chocolate icing). He's been blessed with another trip around the sun, another chance to hug the kids, kiss me, go fishing with friends, make everyone around him laugh and be the Super Trouper that everyone loves. So, on Trouper's fabulous 40, my wish for him is enough. May he always have enough happiness to keep him sweet, enough trials to keep him strong, enough success to keep him eager, enough faith to keep him encouraged and enough determination to make each day a great day! Trouper, if someone asked me what a beautiful life means to me, I would lay my head on your shoulder, hold your hand and answer with a smile; this.

Gratitude

"As we express gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them" John F. Kennedy

I recently read an article that stated seven out of every ten patients that have either received an organ transplant, or are waiting for one, are on public assistance. This includes medicaid, food stamps and section 8 housing. I truly understand the plight of these individuals, and I am beyond grateful that my family and I haven't become one of those seven and our friends, families and even strangers have given generously towards Trouper's medical expenses and our families immediate financial needs.

Early in our journey, an old high school friend wrote me a check, no questions asked, making it possible for me to stay at the hospital with Trouper (my vacation time ran out very quickly). We've had friends who have sent us gift cards for groceries and medicine, friends who started and donated to an online fundraising site and friends who sent food over to the house or came over and sat with Trouper so I could go to work or to run errands. Because of our loved ones, we have been able to keep a roof over our heads, a car to drive to and from work and doctors and groceries in our cabinet. We have been able to afford limited home health and pay for medicine and doctor co-pays. We even splurged and bought Trouper some new shorts because he has lost almost 100 pounds and his old clothes fell off of him. That doesn't mean we haven't made sacrifices and gone without. My own health has suffered and affording the doctor and medicine for me is often difficult, our son had to put off school to help us, Emily had to quit her afternoon part time job to stay home with Trouper so we didn't have to pay for full time home health care and yes, we've done without on birthdays and holidays since our journey began. Emotionally I think we are all drained but we know that God has a plan for us, so we will live by the word thanks and continue fighting with our Super Trouper.

The best is yet to come

August 14th. For so many years, I've dreaded this day because it just means another candle in the cake, more jokes from the kids about me skipping a birthday or how we need a fire extinguisher to put out the above mentioned candles. This August 14th, I am grateful for the 41 candles in my cake (or cupcakes as I suspect I will be receiving later today) and reminded that the more you praise and celebrate your life, the more life there is to celebrate. I remember special birthdays; my 18th spent with Jennifer Price watching Ghost and crying our eyes out. My 20th, the first one with my beautiful baby Ryan and knowing that Trouper was going to ask me to marry him any day, my 23rd, when I was exhausted from having a hyper 3-year old and a happy, smiling newborn baby girl or my 38th, the last time I heard my precious brother offer birthday blessings to me. All special and unique, and worth celebrating, not dreading. This August 14th is special because the Lord blessed and allowed me to spend another trip around the sun with my precious Trouper. In six months, he's fought for his life, I've fought for our family and we've survived what most couldn't. I've been praying, and hoping that my birthday wish for a new heart would come true today, and, as someone pointed out, it's only half over, we could get that call any minute. So, as I blow out 41 candles this year, hopefully without the need for a fire extinguisher, I am going to not only make a wish but also thank the Lord for the blessings I've received, and the ones that are right around the corner!

Time Rolls On

As February faded into March, Trouper continued to make progress and was released to go home, with home health care, on March 12th. He was back in the hospital for an overnight stay in March but stayed the same through the month.

In April, he was given the green light to go to the beach, our annual spring break trip we had planned and paid for many months before for Emily and her friends. It was their senior trip, and wild horses (or doctors) weren't going to keep him away. We arranged home health care in Florida, and Troup's brother and his girlfriend flew in from Texas to help us with the eight (yes we are brave) teenagers and visit with us. We had a wonderful time and the time away did everyone some good! His health stayed the same during April and his daily routine included thirteen medications, visits from the nurse, line flushing, weighing, fluid counting, and the list goes on and one. He didn't have any energy, and just getting out of bed each day was a huge task. Weekly trips to the hospital to visit the doctor zapped him for days and we both realized, although we kept praying, that things weren't improving.

May was a roller coaster month, we had to take the highs with the lows. It brought sad, although expected, news; Trouper's heart wasn't recovering, and we would need to start exploring some options. His pump medicine, that he was receiving 24/7 via a pic line, was only a temporary fix and would eventually start causing issues with his other organs. His ejection rate was only 12% for the left ventricular and 20% for the right. The doctor mentioned transplant for the first time and we (okay me) immersed myself into researching his options. LVAD, which is called the "bridge to transplant" was basically a temporary pump that would bypass his heart, pump and would circulate the blood through a backpack type machine. Transplant was another option, and seemed the best one, for his age and condition. He would need to get rid of his life vest, the vest he had to wear 24/7 that would shock him should his heart stop and get an internal defibrillator implanted. There would be massive amounts of tests, and we decided we would pursue, and push, the transplant option. During May, he had a constant cough and one morning, passed out from coughing. He was admitted to the hospital two days before Emily's graduation and from the moment he was admitted, told the staff he was leaving by Wednesday because he would be there when his baby girl walked across the stage. His wonderfully kind, smart and dedicated nurses and doctors agreed, and worked really hard to get him home and he was in the audience when Emily Jene' Gamble became a 2013 Graduate of Parkview High School. A child graduating is always special but Emily's walk across the stage was a walk for our entire family. We had come through the worst four months of our lives, and we had done it together. We had made a decision to wait and tell Emily about Trouper's health status until after she was done with the school year. We wanted her to celebrate the end of school as carefree as possible, but I think deep down she knew something wasn't right. But she's a little Trouper and put on a brave face and made it through and made us all so very proud. Ryan said it was hard to imagine his sister was graduating, seemed like yesterday it was him. Then he said something about it being the last time we would ever be at Parkview as parents. Such a wonderfully sad moment, if that makes sense. I was flooded by memories of their activities, remembering being exhausted and wondering when it would end. Then, all of a sudden, it did.

Ryan & Emily: No one will ever understand the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only ones that know what my heart sounds like from the inside.

I know you like to sleep BUT.....

On Thursday, February 21st, six days into our new journey, the doctor told us they had the pneumonia, Troup's blood sugar, his blood pressure and a host of other issues under control enough that they were confident in bringing him out of his "sleep". At 4 am on Friday morning, they would start weening him off his sedation medicine. I was already emotionally drained from telling my sister and Mom goodbye but I knew that I had to be there, and be with him when he woke up. He would be scared, disoriented and confused, and I wanted the first words he heard to be from me, telling him I loved him so I ran home, took a quick shower and met his Mom and Aunt at the hospital for our overnight stay. His night nurse, whose name I can't recall, wasn't the friendliest and was a little irritated he had to give Trouper a bath. Of course I offered to help but he told me I had to leave the room and he would call me when he stopped the medication. I didn't hear from him for an hour, so I ventured back into his room and he had already started the withdrawal. I wasn't going to let one not so nice nurse rain on my parade so I gathered a pillow and blanket, made a makeshift bed in the window sill and hunkered down. An hour passed and nothing. Two hours passed and nothing. The third hour passed and I went out to stretch my legs and talk to Teresa and let her know nothing was happening. I could bore you with hour by hour details but just to summarize, this went on for four days. Those that know him know of his love of sleep. He covets his sleep, can sleep anywhere under any circumstances and never misses an opportunity for some shut eye but this was ridiculous! His parents left Sunday and were so sad that he didn't wake up before they had to leave but everyone continued taking turns staying there with him, hoping he would wake up and flash his brilliant smile, laugh his heartwarming laugh. Sunday night, DJ and Katee offered to stay the night, along with Ryan so I headed home for a few hours of sleep. Since sleep wasn't playing nicely, I headed back about 5 am and DJ said that Troup had moaned a little and was becoming a little restless so I hurried back. The nurse told me to talk to him, instruct him to wake up and try and get him to open his eyes and look at me. When I said his name he turned his head toward me and the waterworks started. Through the tears, I told him I loved him and begged him to squeeze my hand and guess what, he squeezed my hand. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and I called for the nurse. It only got better from that point, he still couldn't speak because of the ventilator but he was able to give DJ a "hook 'em" when he came to say goodbye. The kids headed up and within a few hours, they took disconnected and removed the vent and I heard the sweetest, most miraculous words, said in a slight, raspy whisper "have I told you lately that I love you?" Never would I take that voice for granted again. Never would I take a phone call or a visit for granted and I would cherish every second of conversation with the love of my life. I gave the kids some time alone, while I let all the family know he was awake and all the wonderful progress he made. We continue to be blessed, and just added another miracle to the "while you were sleeping" book. 

Music, Music, Music

I can't put into words my families love (really obsession) with music. My earliest memories are of my Dad and his HUGE vinyl collection, playing albums ranging from the Beatles, Boz Skaggs, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Neil Young, to name a few. Trouper feels just the same and our relationship has been centered around our mutual love for music. In high school, Trouper and his family moved away from West Texas to Atlanta. During the year he was gone (he came back to Texas as soon as he turned 18) we wrote one another long, heartfelt letters and he always included a mixed tape. Yes, a cassette tape and on those cassette tapes he introduced this country girl to bands like the The Cure, REM and even The Moody Blues. Over the years, we have had a couple of songs we called "our song"; Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" and Dave Matthews Band "You and Me". Each one holds a special place in our hearts and will always bring a tear to my eye as I remember a special time in our life together.

Over the course of Trouper's "sleeping", one of the night nurses said that the hospital had music channels over the television system and gave the okay for us to turn it on for him. I was certain Trouper would appreciate this much more than us singing to him, I know he was probably itching to wake up and tell us to shut it up, we were killing his ears! So on Wednesday night, we turned the television on to the classic station, and within a few minutes, his stats went haywire and he became agitated. The nurse let it go on for a few hours but ultimately decided the stimulation was too much for him and turned off the music. I knew he wasn't truly agitated and was probably just wanting to wake up and ask us to either a)turn it up or b)turn the station because he didn't like the current song. Whichever of the two, it didn't matter, it let me know that he was still there, wanting to wake up and talk about music. And, just like Dave Matthews says, together, we can do anything and we would, as long as we have each other!

                                                         "You And Me"

Wanna pack your bags, Something small
Take what you need and we disappear
Without a trace we'll be gone, gone
The moon and the stars can follow the car
and then when we get to the ocean
We gonna take a boat to the end of the world
All the way to the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes [x2]

You and I, we're not tied to the ground
Not falling but rising like rolling around
Eyes closed above the rooftops
Eyes closed, we're gonna spin through the stars
Our arms wide as the sky
We gonna ride the blue all the way to the end of the world
To the end of the world

Oh, and when the kids are old enough
We're gonna teach them to fly

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yes, yes

We can always look back at what we did
All these memories of you and me baby
But right now it's you and me forever girl
And you know we could do better than anything that we did
You know that you and me, we could do anything

You and me together, we could do anything, Baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby
You and me together yeah, yeah
Two of us together yeah, yeah
Two of us together, we could do anything, baby

Social Media and our "friend" Dr. Blincoe

As that first week went by we had visitors, phone calls, emails, texts and Facebook messages from all over the world. The kids and their friends tried to get the hastag #prayfortrouper trending on Twitter. Being sick in the 21st century is certainly different but a true and wonderful blessing. Everyone was asking for updates, I gave my phone to various people because it was too hard to keep up so someone suggested I start posting daily Trouper updates on Facebook. The outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. People who I didn't know, or hadn't heard from in twenty years, started contacting me via Facebook, checking in on our family, offering prayer and sharing memories of our Super Trouper. Reading the stories, catching up with old friends and talking to new ones kept us busy and provided us great moments of laughter. They reminded us that the world is so big yet so small and that our husband, son, father, brother and friend is loved. One story that still makes me laugh is the "Trouper and Neal went to the Guns N Roses concert" story. I have heard it thousands of times, and remember it vividly, but to hear someone besides Trouper retell it was priceless. I will always cherish the stories his Mom told about his undying love for me and how I was the only love he has ever known. Trouper can tell you the day he met me, what I was doing and the friends that were with me. It's different for me, I can't remember a time he wasn't in my life. First, as the crazy skateboarding kid at church, then as my dear friend and trusted confidant and finally, my true love. I will share one "secret", he says he loved me from the first moment he laid eyes on me, but years went by before we shared our first kiss and it was me who finally kissed him. Those moments and wonderful stories are what makes a life, and I'm so blessed to share them with Trouper.

Sometime around mid week I started towards CCU, and came upon Dr. Blincoe. I hadn't seen him in a few days and from the look on his face, the next words he spoke would probably be something along the lines of grim. I stopped, and said "are you coming for me" and he responded "no Mrs. Gamble, I am proud to say I am not coming to speak to you, your husband is slightly better today, the dialysis is working". I wanted to jump for joy and shout hallelujah! He didn't use the word grim and actually said something positive. And get this, he smiled. Yes, our friend, the grim Dr. Blincoe, smiled. Miracles never cease to amaze me! I had to run back and tell everyone the good news, and collectively we breathed a sigh of relief. Small victories, like Dr. Blincoe smiling and the word slightly, were huge to us and we were once again reminded that slow and steady wins the race. I had to go back and kiss my Super Trouper, once again reminded that it was me that kissed him first!

While You Were Sleeping

When Trouper was "sleeping" we started making a scrapbook titled "While You Were Sleeping". We listed visitors, listed snacks my sister ate (there wasn't a vending machine she didn't visit), listed doctors and nurses names, and had a page dedicated to Trouper's miracles. The one that makes me laugh is the "Dara was non-confrontational" miracle because if you know me, you understand how difficult that was for me! I am a Texan through and through and was born with a big Texan attitude. I don't take no for an answer and I certainly never give up, two things which are serving me well on our journey. The one that makes me thank God he was with us every minute was the "balloon removal" miracle. On the 19th, the doctor thought Trouper was well enough for balloon removal, meaning his heart would be pumping on it's own. He was still asleep, but they had downgraded a few machines and were confident he would withstand removal. Dr. Greg, one of his is extraordinary CCU doctors, prepped him for removal. An emergency within the CCU occurred and Dr. Greg was called out of the room. When he returned, Trouper's monitors were going haywire and his blood pressure was all over the place so he decided to hold off on removal. If he had started and that had happened, Trouper wouldn't have made it, they wouldn't have been able to stabilize him in the middle of the removal. Small blessings, like an emergency page, are why he is still here with us today.

Later that night, when I had some alone time with Trouper, I sat holding his hand, telling him the story of our first hospital visit when Ryan was born. I was so young when Ryan was born and had such huge decisions to make and uncertainty filled the air. Trouper never tried to persuade me and that night, after Ryan made his entrance, Trouper sat with me for hours, just holding my hand. Here we are, 21 years later, and we sit again, alone in a hospital, facing such uncertainty, but still holding hands. We have come such a long way from scared teenagers in West Texas but no matter where our lives have taken us, or what adventures we have been on, we always had one another and the spaces between our fingers still fit perfectly. He is my home, my  touchstone. When our babies were born, we held hands. When we loaded up two kids, a rabbit, a household of furniture and headed for the unknown in Georgia, we held hands. When his beloved Grandmother passed away, we held hands. When we drove to Texas to say goodbye to my sweet brother, we held hands. All the good moments, and the bad, we've made it by facing it together. So while you were sleeping, I would hold your hand and help you through....

Paging Dr. Supermodel

February 18th, or as I like to call it, meet Dr. Supermodel day. Yes, I'm aware this seems a little lighthearted but the somber and heavy mood surrounding us was beginning to suffocate and, just as Trouper would do, we looked for humor wherever we could find it. Enter Dr. Supermodel, or as the nurses in Piedmont CCU like to call him, Dr. Tight Pants. Dr. Supermodel is a Nephrotologist, or in layman's terms, a kidney doctor. They usherd us out of the room so he could evaluate Trouper, then sent for us to discuss his worsening kidney functions.

 Dr. Supermodel is one of those "touch your shoulder" while he talks kind of doctor and honestly, it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying. Just kidding, I fully heard everything, including his creatinine levels being too high and the possibility of his kidneys shutting down. He decided it best to place Trouper on slow moving dialysis, probably for only a few days, to help his kidneys filter all the fluid being built up. His poor kidneys just couldn't keep up so they added another line in his neck, and started dialysis. Slow acting is a little different then the kind people get every few days at their local dialysis clinic, and it's continuous 24/7. It's easier on the body and in Trouper's current situation, we needed any and all treatments to be as smooth as possible. At Piedmont, they name all their dialysis machines and Troup got Britney Spears. Her picture showed the young, 18 year old  "Hit Me One More Time" Britney and not the crazy, shave your head Britney. I figured Trouper would have thought it was funnier if it had been crazy Britney machine but at least he didn't have the Michael Jackson unit, that's just sad and depressing. The machine was big and a little noisy, and the nurses were constantly having to change out the bags and adjust settings. We saw Dr. Supermodel several times a day, and I noticed it wasn't just the females in our group that were enchanted by him, the nurses swooned, yes swooned, when he walked in.

My sister, Emily, Jake, Ryan, Mom and I went down the street to our favorite Atlanta Mexican restaurant, Uncle Julios. It was started in Texas and to date, after 14 years of searching, is the closest we have found to home in Georgia. It was nice to get out of the hospital, but a little sad to be at Trouper's favorite place. He is mesmerized by a painting of a little Chihuahua wearing a sombrero and has asked to buy it many times. I have no idea what his fascination with this paining is but it makes him happy so I have searched high and low for it and can never find a reprint. Mom has a friend whose a painter, so we took pictures on the off chance she could recreate it. It was fun, talking and laughing about his strange connection to that little dog and reminded us that laughter truly is the best medicine!

  

Lateral move and camping out....

Monday, February 18th was an eventful day, in good ways and bad. Troup developed pneumonia from all the fluid build-up, and was running a fever. His kidneys were having a difficult time as well, and they started mentioning dialysis. Each time a new doctor would visit us, it seemed like more bad news. Dr. Blincoe told us that they would be moving Troup to CCU, upstairs. Before we could get our hopes up, thinking he might be improving enough for a move, in his usually Dr. Blincoe way he told us it was a lateral move and would allow Troup's team better access to one another. I chose to ignore his usually "grimness" and believed that if they were moving him, he must be on the upswing. He was still in a medically induced coma, and still swollen from the massive amounts of fluid but going to CCU meant his own room, and a little privacy. It seemed like it took hours for them to get him upstairs, but when they did we were so excited, we had chairs and a place to visit with him! I remember it was a rainy, misty day but nothing was going to ruin the excitement of a room and chairs. It's the small victories that win the race and that day, our motto became "slow and steady wins the race".

Family and friends continued to fill the waiting rooms, and once we were upstairs, we took over our own little area. We filled it with blankets, pillows, snacks and drinks. There was a sign that said "No Eating or Drinking Allowed" however my sister's coat needed a resting spot and conveniently, it covered the sign quite nicely. We decided to take turns spending the night, just in case something happened and they needed a family member. Mom, Kyna, Don, Teresa, Jim and Sue got hotel rooms about a mile from the hospital, just in case someone needed a quick nap, or some down time. People brought snacks, and food, and we quickly became friends with the cafeteria staff; especially Doris, who makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches in the world! Those first few days, Emily's boyfriend Jake never left us and quickly became endeared to the entire family. He was our runner, going on many trips to the cafeteria, or to CVS across the street. He also held Emily together, and I was glad he was there to comfort and love her. Ryan, who loves a good conversation, made a friend and would sit out front of the hospital, talking. His new friend was about 70 years old, and a patient. He would come by the waiting area and ask Ryan if he wanted to go out and talk. He told Ryan all about his military career and family, and Ryan told him about his Dad. When we went to the chapel, we saw he had asked for prayer for his friend Ryan's dad. Just another example of the sweet and loving children I have, they make friends wherever they go!

As the day progressed, they said his lungs were sounding a little better but his kidneys were in really bad shape. They said on Tuesday, we would meet Nephrologist who would talk to us about dialysis. They also said they would start considering removing the ballon that had been placed on Saturday to help his heart rest. His room was always really busy, but our friends, family and even the doctors and nurses were really good about giving the kids and I time alone. I think we all told him stories and secrets, just hoping he would wake up and give us that good old "Trouper" laugh.

Here is a picture of our "area". Emily brought her pooh bear pillow pet and if you look closely, you can see my sister in her "sleeping cubby". Piedmont, our home away from home!

Day of visitors, day of improvements

As February 16th turned into February 17th, I noticed a little improvement in his skin color. I also noticed Dr. Blincoe didn't say the word "grim" every time I saw him and I noticed that he wasn't always at Troup's bedside, observing. I took this as a good sign, well, at the moment, I was clinging to any sign of any slight improvement as a good sign. 

The kids and their friends arrived and Emily, Ryan and I made our way back, to visit with Dad. In the ICU, you can't sit down, so the three of us stood beside him, telling him we loved him, and asking him to come back. It was heartbreaking to see the kids begging him to hold on, no child at 17 and 20 should have to see their Dad, their hero, in such a painful place. Mid morning, visitors starting arriving and honestly, we wouldn't have made it those first few days without our family and friends. Diana and Paul arrived with breakfast for the group and sat with us for hours, crying, laughing and offering their help and love. Trouper's parents arrived from Texas, along with his Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Sue, and Kim and I had took them back to see their baby. It was shocking for them, and as we tried to explain that he was actually a little better, I don't think they believed us. I don't know when he arrived but Larry showed up, he is more like family than anything and I could see the hurt on his face. Christopher, his wife Dusti and their kids Noah, Olivia and Jana arrived, and brought a liveliness to the group. Having kids around always makes things interesting. Of course Kim and Jay were there, I don't know if they really ever left those first few days, but I know I am forever grateful for their love and support. 

Mid afternoon, I looked up to see my sister and mom walk in and all I could do was hug them and cry. Seeing them made me hope, made me know, that it was all going to be okay. Their presence offered comfort to the kids and I that no other family member or friend could offer and I was so thankful they jumped on the first flight Sunday to be with us. My sister embodies the quote "and though she be but little, she is fierce" and immediately assessed the situation, asking questions, the lawyer in her taking over. Mom stood quietly, reading the monitors and asking about medications, the health care professional in her taking over. They were concerned for Ryan and Emily, realizing how hard this was on them and they were concerned for my health, insisting I sit down, get a drink and have something to eat. I am usually of the mindset that happiness is having a loving, caring, adoring family in another city but in that moment, my moment of anxiety, heartache and fear of the unknown, having them there provided some piece of mind and allowed me to finally exhale. 

Gene and Gina, our dear friends and she, my most trusted confidant, arrived. They had been on a romantic weekend when they heard the news and came straight from the mountains to be with us. Gina is the most literal, tell it like it is person I know and never filters anything. She was like "don't BS me, what's happening and how are they going to fix him"? Having her there, with her off the wall comments, love (especially for Ryan, she always says she is team Ryan) and laughter made the hours go by a little faster. 

My Dad and his family were in California, for my aunt's funeral and immediately made their way to the hospital. Once Dad and Benita and the boys arrived, I felt like everything was complete, we were in place to fight and the kids and I were surrounded with love and compassion, no matter where this journey was going to take us. 

February 16th, the day that changed EVERYTHING!

Everyone has those moments in life that you remember. Those moments when you recall every detail, those moments that stay with you no matter how much time passes. Those special days, like the day you married or the birth of your children, or those not so special ones that cause pain and frustration. I have many good and bad moments, ones that I remember every detail, like I remember my own name and birthday. February 16th, I added another. The day that my beloved husband suffered a heart attack and set our family on a journey that we will be traveling for the rest of our lives. 

Trouper woke me up with a stomach ache about 3 am, told me he had thrown-up and thought he pulled something in his back. I told him to take some Advil and try and get some rest. He couldn't get comfortable and moved from the bedroom to the living room, trying not to wake me. When I did awake a few hours later, he looked terrible and said his stomach and back were killing him. I talked him into going to a "Doc in the Box" as it was Saturday and our family physician would be closed. He agreed, and I started getting ready. I walked out of the room for a few minutes and when I came back, his breathing was labored and he said he felt like he was drowning. I told him I was calling 911 and he said no, just get me to the ER. With the help of our son, I drove to our local hospital, where he was able to get out of the car and walk into the registration area. By the time I parked, I was met at the door and told he was having a heart attack and the doctor would speak with me shortly. I was taken to his room, where a dozen nurses and doctors worked on him. All I could do was cry, and all he could do was mouth he loved me and that he was sorry. Typically Trouper, worried about everyone else and trying to comfort me. They shuffled him to the cath lab, where I was told they would evaluate and place stents if needed. I was told it was a two hour process and someone would update me. The children and their friends arrived, my children are lucky to have friends who surround them during such difficult times and we sat, holding hands, praying and waiting for news. Two hours passed, then three, and sometime during the fourth, a nurse came out to get us, the doctor needed to speak to us. He confirmed that there was major damage, that Trouper was stable and had two stents placed. He was confident of a full recovery but said the transport team was preparing him to be moved to Piedmont Hospital, in downtown Atlanta. I could see Troup, through the glass, and my heart broke. I cried, and the doctor told me not to be upset, I had saved his life, I had gotten him to the hospital in time. When the kids and I were finished with our meeting, Trouper's Aunt Kim had arrived and she and I drove downtown while the kids took cars home, dealt with our animals and changed clothes. Emily was actually still in her PJ's. We arrived at Piedmont and went to the CCU unit, where we were told he would be going upon arrival. They directed us to ICU and where we were told they were evaluating him. We waited, and waited, and waited. After two hours, the nurse came out, said the doctor needed to speak to us and we were ushered back, behind the closed doors. The sight was shocking. 21 machines surrounded my precious husband, along with many nurses, doctors and staff. They had to place him on a vent, and had put him in a deep sedation to keep him still. I remember looking at the kids, Ryan was leaning towards the wall, crying and Emily was leaning on him. They offered me a chair, for fear I would pass out, and Kim stood silent, with tears running down her face, holding her hand over her mouth so she didn't scream. Dr. Blincoe, a cardiologist, said three things:

1. Your husband is the sickest person at this hospital. 2. Call who you need to call and 3. If you pray, start because it will be a miracle if he makes it through the night. 

I started to ask questions but my voice didn't come, I just sat there. I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak, I had to will myself to breath. He told us they had some more testing, that Trouper was suffering heart failure brought on by the heart attack and that his body was fighting by raising his blood sugar, which was currently 800. He kept using the word "grim", never smiling or offering a word of comfort or encouragement. Just saying "it's grim Mrs. Gamble". We left, I had to get the kids out of there for a few minutes, and update our families. Uncle Jay, cousin Christopher and his sweet Noah arrived, along with friends Larry, TJ and his wife Jamie. I took them back, TJ lasted a few seconds and had to leave. It was heartbreaking. For hours, I would stay with Troup for a few minutes, then be asked to leave and each time Dr. Blincoe would be sitting beside Troup's bed, and tell me it was still "grim". Cousin Amanda, Todd and a few more of the kids' friends arrived and we filled the hallway just outside ICU. Troup's sister, Jenny, and her family arrived in the wee hours of the morning and I remember feeling such pain for her. I lost my brother, and I know the helplessness that you feel as a sibling, not being able to help. Eventually, I sent the kids' home and promised to call if anything changed. The remaining family spanned out in the waiting room, talking, praying, texting, watching movies; anything to keep busy. I would go back every few minutes, to check on my sweet Troup, and Dr. Blincoe would inevitably frown and say the word "grim" again. I started to notice that he never moved, each time I went back, he was sitting there, with either a folder in his hand or his glasses pulled down, observing Troup. Everyone insisted I go home and rest but I couldn't leave. If there had been room in the bed, I would have crawled into it and held him but instead, I stood there, holding his hand, reminding him of special moments we have shared, begging him to stay with me. Around 5am, his nurse told me I should go home and get some rest, or at least have a shower and change clothes. I noticed that Dr. Blincoe had gone, and she said "if he left, things are looking up". She told me Dr. Blincoe would be back by 7am, so I had two hours. Amanda and Todd drove me home, and when I walked in, there were teenagers everywhere. One thing about Troup, everyone loves him, especially the kids' friends. He is the "look what I can do" dad and his humor and love extends to everyone. I sat for a minute, in his chair, and cried. I cried for him, for me and for the kids. At that moment, I decided I was going to be brave, and fight for this man, the love of my life, while he was too sick to fight for himself. That day changed me, changed us, changed our family. Often, it is your deepest pain that forces you to become your true self and we were going to be a team of fighters. Fighters for Trouper, we would become Team Super Trouper.