For almost four months, I've thought about this blog and what I would say or how it would end. My blog has been all about Trouper; our love, our struggles, our joys and our heartbreaks. I thought, did it end on July 13th, when he took his last breath or perhaps June 20th, when his fight took a different turn and he was placed on full life support? Then I remembered something we always said to one another; I love you yesterday, today and especially tomorrow. Just because he isn't physically here doesn't mean I can't continue to write about him, share stories and things about him that perhaps people might not know. I've also been contemplating a book; a book about our life together from the moment he saw me sitting in front of church, reading a note from another boy, to our last kiss on a warm, sunny July morning. A book I will call Yesterday, Today and Especially Tomorrow because that's what life is; it's full of yesterday's adventures, today's surprises and tomorrow's hope. Trouper was all three; he loved adventures and spent lots of his yesterday's seeking them out (and always had a story and often a scar from those adventures). He never ceased to amaze me with his daily surprises and he always had hope that a better tomorrow was on it's way. Once, he told me something that has really resonated with me the past four months; life is short and doesn't come with a pause or rewind button. Enjoy every moment; the good, the bad and the even worse and do it with love in your heart. He often told people (and it was said a few times at his memorial service) the love you give is the love you receive and I can certainly tell you that Trouper Gamble gave and received more love in his short 42 years than some do in 90 years. So, my friends, this isn't the end of the Team Super Trouper blog, it's just going to take a different path. One that he encouraged, and so many other people have encouraged; a book about our yesterdays, today's and our tomorrows. Bare with me while I test chapters out on you and please, feel free to offer suggestions and help because I need all of them I can get.
One last note. People continue to ask how the kids and I are doing. Truth is, it's a minute by minute type thing. You never know when grief will hit you and you become a blubbering mess and while I've been told it gets better, I can't even begin to imagine how. The three of us are surviving together. Trouper always had faith we would, he knew we were a strong family with an unfaltering love for one another. We have always relied on each other when things got tough and that's made us closer than most families. We've seen the bad but we've met that bad together. We've also had such an outpouring of love, support and prayers and for that, we are eternally grateful. Trouper touched so many people, and in the end, he wasn't just our Super Trouper he was the world's Super Trouper and I'm happy to share him.
XO Dara
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
House on Muskingum
Trouper has been in Texas for 30,240 minutes (or 21 days). I miss him terribly, especially at night. We don't often go to bed at the same time but at some point during the night, he always comes to bed and I feel he's there and sleep a little better. My sleep is now more restless than ever and I am either having very unusual dreams, or not sleeping at all. Last night, I dreamt of a place I don't think of much but holds a very special place in my heart; Muskingum.
My grandparents purchased 2119 N. Muskingum in 1947. It's where my mother grew up, where I spent every weekend growing up, where Ryan and I lived when he was born and where Trouper and I kissed for the first time. It's where our family celebrated good times like Christmases and birthdays, and gathered during difficult times like when my precious Papa went to heaven. Each Sunday, after church, my Grandma took her afternoon nap (in the back bedroom) while my Papa and I (often joined by my sister and brother) watched westerns, ate peanuts and drank Cokes. Before every prom or dance, we stopped by Muskingum to show off our pretty dresses to not only my Grandparents, but all our Muskingum family. Our Godmother, Dorothy Froelich, our adopted Aunt and Uncle, Hazel and Jack (who owned a HUGE peacock) and my friends Christina and Andy were just a few of the neighborhood family. Last night, I vividly dreamt of the time Dorothy paid my cousin Brad and I to clean her backyard. My Grandma had surgery and Brad and his family had come to town to visit. We decided we wanted to earn money to buy Grandma some flowers so we headed across the street and asked Dorothy if she had any chores we could do. She said yes, she needed her backyard cleaned so we headed out back and walked straight into a jungle. The weeds were taller than we were and you couldn't even see the back fence the brush was so dense. Brad and I pulled weeds for hours, until our little 10 and 8 year old bodies couldn't do it anymore. We had made a pretty good dent in the jungle and Dorothy rewarded us with 5 dollars. Not 5 dollars each, but 5 dollars together. We were pretty smart kids and knew we were getting ripped off but nonetheless, Aunt Glenda drove us to TG&Y. We didn't have nearly enough for the pretty flowers and vase, so my Aunt generously pitched in the rest. We never went back to finish the job, God only knows what that place looked like when Dorothy passed away in '99.
When my sister was born, during my parent's divorce, we lived next door and I was in heaven. I could walk next door to my Grandparent's house and eat breakfast (my Grandma made a HUGE breakfast every morning) or go over and sit in the front porch and people watch with all the neighbors. When I was 8 and my sister was 3, we got a baby brother. We were so happy, we ran outside, saw Dorothy sitting on her porch and yelled "we got a boy". We played slip and slide in the yard, walked to Dairy Queen for ice cream sandwiches and sat on the front porch for hours. It was a magical place and often, solace during times of trouble.
Perhaps that's why I visited it last night, my mind knew I needed to go somewhere safe, somewhere special, and comforting. It was my touchstone for so many years, in fact there aren't too many high school kids that spent every weekend with their grandparents but I did and I wouldn't trade a moment. Last night's visit to Muskingum worked it's magic and I feel a little better, and I'm ready to face whatever is headed my way with a smile and a warm heart, knowing that my family from Muskingum is looking down, smiling and cheering me on!
My grandparents purchased 2119 N. Muskingum in 1947. It's where my mother grew up, where I spent every weekend growing up, where Ryan and I lived when he was born and where Trouper and I kissed for the first time. It's where our family celebrated good times like Christmases and birthdays, and gathered during difficult times like when my precious Papa went to heaven. Each Sunday, after church, my Grandma took her afternoon nap (in the back bedroom) while my Papa and I (often joined by my sister and brother) watched westerns, ate peanuts and drank Cokes. Before every prom or dance, we stopped by Muskingum to show off our pretty dresses to not only my Grandparents, but all our Muskingum family. Our Godmother, Dorothy Froelich, our adopted Aunt and Uncle, Hazel and Jack (who owned a HUGE peacock) and my friends Christina and Andy were just a few of the neighborhood family. Last night, I vividly dreamt of the time Dorothy paid my cousin Brad and I to clean her backyard. My Grandma had surgery and Brad and his family had come to town to visit. We decided we wanted to earn money to buy Grandma some flowers so we headed across the street and asked Dorothy if she had any chores we could do. She said yes, she needed her backyard cleaned so we headed out back and walked straight into a jungle. The weeds were taller than we were and you couldn't even see the back fence the brush was so dense. Brad and I pulled weeds for hours, until our little 10 and 8 year old bodies couldn't do it anymore. We had made a pretty good dent in the jungle and Dorothy rewarded us with 5 dollars. Not 5 dollars each, but 5 dollars together. We were pretty smart kids and knew we were getting ripped off but nonetheless, Aunt Glenda drove us to TG&Y. We didn't have nearly enough for the pretty flowers and vase, so my Aunt generously pitched in the rest. We never went back to finish the job, God only knows what that place looked like when Dorothy passed away in '99.
When my sister was born, during my parent's divorce, we lived next door and I was in heaven. I could walk next door to my Grandparent's house and eat breakfast (my Grandma made a HUGE breakfast every morning) or go over and sit in the front porch and people watch with all the neighbors. When I was 8 and my sister was 3, we got a baby brother. We were so happy, we ran outside, saw Dorothy sitting on her porch and yelled "we got a boy". We played slip and slide in the yard, walked to Dairy Queen for ice cream sandwiches and sat on the front porch for hours. It was a magical place and often, solace during times of trouble.
Perhaps that's why I visited it last night, my mind knew I needed to go somewhere safe, somewhere special, and comforting. It was my touchstone for so many years, in fact there aren't too many high school kids that spent every weekend with their grandparents but I did and I wouldn't trade a moment. Last night's visit to Muskingum worked it's magic and I feel a little better, and I'm ready to face whatever is headed my way with a smile and a warm heart, knowing that my family from Muskingum is looking down, smiling and cheering me on!
Friday, March 25, 2016
My boy
I feel like I write about Trouper and Emily much more than I do about Ryan. Perhaps that's because they are both sick, and seem to need me more than Ryan does. Maybe it's because he is my oldest child and the oldest children often get lost among the chaos of life, and younger siblings and sick parents. I know, I was the oldest child who had two younger, overachieving, often needy siblings and I was often lost. It happens, I'm not bitter and I've moved on but that's just the way it was on Hemphill Street, Odessa, Texas circa 1985. Today, I am going to write about Ryan who, just so happens, celebrated his 24th birthday yesterday.
Ryan began his journey on this earth at 4:21 on March 24th, 1992. I was 20 years old and scared to death. We knew there was something wrong with his kidney before he was born, but wouldn't know the extent until he made his entrance that warm, spring afternoon. It was spring break in Odessa, my sister was at home, my brother was off on a trip and I had been staying with my Mom and Stepdad awaiting Ryan's arrival. My contractions started pretty early that morning, so my Mom and I headed to the hospital. My OBGYN wasn't the greatest, in fact, he was kinda rude and looked down on single Moms but I made the best of it. I had some big decisions to make and he was strongly encouraging me to go in one direction and when I didn't go that route, he got worse. All that aside I was released a few days later and Ryan, the following Saturday. I remember that Friday, Kyna and I went to the hospital and sat rocking him for hours, I felt so bad leaving this little baby in the hospital alone. Luckily it was only for a day and the next, we started our journey together in the outside world. The following months were hard, Ryan had his kidney taken out on April 16th in Lubbock and two weeks after that I was back at work. I was never a bad Mom but I was so young and made mistakes, I'm just fortunate that Ryan allowed me to make those mistakes. He was a good baby, and when he did get fussy, we would drive him around and play the song "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and it always calmed him down. Trouper and I got married when Ryan was 9 months old and we were ready to be a family. Emily came along three years later and he was immediately a protective big brother. Ryan was the first grandchild, the first nephew and has always been the apple of his families eye. My brother adored Ryan. When Ryan was 3, he got the chicken pox so severe they covered his body, even his throat and mouth. My brother came over and watched The Brave Little Toaster for hours with Ryan. I can still see both of them laying on the sofa, eating red (they had to be red) Popsicles. They were two peas in a pod and when I look at Ryan, I see so much of Bumper.
As the years rolled on Ryan played basketball and rugby, was a cub scout until he went to middle school and being a scout was uncool, and was in chorus all the way through his senior year. Ryan became more reserved over the years and, is the introvert of our family. That's not that hard when you live with Trouper, who is always the life of the party and probably doesn't even know the definition of introvert. We've been through some bad times but some really wonderful times with Ryan. He is a wiz at movie trivia, if you want to know a show to binge watch on Netflix, he's your guy and loves to go kayaking and relax on the water. More than anything, he is still a protector. Last year, after one of Em's hospital stays, he went and stayed with her for a week, driving her to class, making sure she ate, helping her with meds and hanging out and making sure she was taken care of. Even though he is an introvert, he excels at personal conversations. He would talk to anyone, anywhere and loves to talk to older people. When Trouper first had his heart attack Ryan struck up a friendship with a elderly man and would spend hours everyday talking to him. It helped pass the time and gave him an outlet.
Now, my little boy is a man and facing challenges, decisions and adventures and I want nothing more than to see him succeed. I do wish he would find a nice girl to hang out with, even if she has tattoo's and piercings. He's so lovable even though people tell him all the time that he's handsome, I don't think he believes it. But I know 2016 is the year of Ryan, and as he celebrates his 24th trip around the sun, he won't do it alone, he will always have his personal cheerleader by his side, along with a crazy Dad and a devoted Sister....
Monday, February 15, 2016
Three Years
Three years ago my biggest concern was my son turning 21 and my daughter graduating high school. Three years ago I was planning a spring break beach vacation for a gaggle of high school seniors.
Three years ago I only saw the doctor a few times a year and didn't have a case manager at Aetna.
Three years ago I didn't know what an LVAD was.
Three years ago I didn't know organ transplant statistics.
Three years ago when we left the house, we didn't worry about batteries and supplies.
Three years ago life was much, much different.
Tomorrow, on February 16th, we observe Trouper's "heart-aversary". February 16th changed our entire family, not just Trouper, the kids and I but our extended family as well. We went from an average, middle income family to, well, not an average, middle income family virtually overnight. We got a crash course in cardiology, economics, and hospital policies. We learned who we can lean on and who we can't and to be honest, I fell in love with my husband in a way I never imagined. He is a fighter, but so are the kids and I and we are fierce and protective of one another. Most families feel that way but most families never have to deal with a chronic, often terminal illness.
Today, our battlefield stretches several states as we take the next step to get Trouper a new heart. Our love is different, our family is different and our view of life is different. Not worse, just different.
I'm different, I can feel it. I look around me and want to scream at the people who don't appreciate their life. My patience is gone and often, the tears are too much. But I still have hope and that won't ever change. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning and gets me through the day. I have hope that despite all the darkness, there's light out there and it's within our reach.
Yes, three years ago our universe was different but I thank God we were given these three years because so many people don't get that precious gift. I will keep fighting, keep researching, keep working, keep smiling and keep praying...but above it all, I will keep hoping.....
Three years ago I only saw the doctor a few times a year and didn't have a case manager at Aetna.
Three years ago I didn't know what an LVAD was.
Three years ago I didn't know organ transplant statistics.
Three years ago when we left the house, we didn't worry about batteries and supplies.
Three years ago life was much, much different.
Tomorrow, on February 16th, we observe Trouper's "heart-aversary". February 16th changed our entire family, not just Trouper, the kids and I but our extended family as well. We went from an average, middle income family to, well, not an average, middle income family virtually overnight. We got a crash course in cardiology, economics, and hospital policies. We learned who we can lean on and who we can't and to be honest, I fell in love with my husband in a way I never imagined. He is a fighter, but so are the kids and I and we are fierce and protective of one another. Most families feel that way but most families never have to deal with a chronic, often terminal illness.
Today, our battlefield stretches several states as we take the next step to get Trouper a new heart. Our love is different, our family is different and our view of life is different. Not worse, just different.
I'm different, I can feel it. I look around me and want to scream at the people who don't appreciate their life. My patience is gone and often, the tears are too much. But I still have hope and that won't ever change. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning and gets me through the day. I have hope that despite all the darkness, there's light out there and it's within our reach.
Yes, three years ago our universe was different but I thank God we were given these three years because so many people don't get that precious gift. I will keep fighting, keep researching, keep working, keep smiling and keep praying...but above it all, I will keep hoping.....
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