A year ago last month, I was initiated into a club no one wants or chooses to join. On a hot July morning, I walked into a room a wife and left a widow. I actually hate the word widow, I'm still Trouper's wife, we are just separated at the moment.
I'm still learning to navigate this life of separation and learn to deal with milestone days without my beloved by my side. I'm learning to trust God again because, after a three year journey where I put all my trust and hope into him finding us a perfect heart in his perfect time, I was left clinging to faith. Trust me, a true test of faith comes when tragedy hits, if you disagree, check out the book of Job.
I'm also learning to be courageous when facing milestones. Everyday milestones, like root canals, doctor appointments, even grocery store visits can be tremendous acts of courage when you do them alone for the first time in twenty five years. Courage is getting out of bed and letting the dogs out when I'd rather pull the covers over my head and cry. I also notice ordinary acts of courage much more than I did before I joined this club. A middle age woman eating alone at a restaurant or an older gentleman buying TV dinners at the grocery store. Some days, I want to pat myself on the back because I made it through the day without crying then, driving home, a song triggers a tsunami or I go to my closet to retrieve a shirt and see a pair of his shoes or his favorite Texas jacket and I fall to the ground, gasping for air. Those times I don't feel very courageous.
A major milestone will be my 45th birthday in a few days. Yes I know it's not as major as turning 21 or 40 but to me, being half way through my 4th decade is MAJOR! Trouper used to joke that when I turned 40 he was going to "trade me in for two 20's" to which I replied "if you can a) find two 20's that will take you and b) keep up with them than c) have at it". Now, I'm able to laugh and take comfort in memories like that, and remember that the Bible tells us "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". Not only am I comforted by memories but I've been comforted by friends, loved ones and even strangers who often turn out to be someone whose life Trouper touched. Finally, I'm learning to keep my eyes open so that God can comfort me. Butterflies in the early morning when I drag myself out of bed and let the dogs out or his smell on his favorite Texas jacket that will always hang in my closet bring me comfort through my tears. And maybe, if I play my cards right, one day when I close my eyes in this world and open them in the next, the first thing I will see will be his smiling face and and the first thing I will hear is him saying "hey babe".
