First, I will preface this with the announcement that today's blog has almost nothing to do with Trouper and second, it's not intended to hurt or offend anyone and please try and remember this is my story, my reality and finally, my healing. Writing this blog has been in my thoughts for many, many months and finally, someone mentioned that writing is cathartic for them and allows them to put into words what they are so often unable to verbalize. With that said, here's a small part of my journey.
Yesterday, a friend asked me what I thought about the Duggar Family and the current "scandal" involving the oldest son Josh Duggar molesting young girls. We discussed it and she told me she was shocked that his sisters, even after confirming that they were indeed two of his victims, would continue to stand by and support their molester. I wasn't shocked, in fact, I understand their feelings and I sympathize with these young girls because I too was a victim of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of a relative. In my case, that relative was my stepdad, Frank.
Frank's abuse was far reaching and effected every member of our household. He not only sexually abused me; he also physically abused all of us and was unusually cruel and vindictive. Parts of my childhood are a blur and I've come to realize that forgetting them is my brain, and my spirit's way of healing. No, I never told anyone although I've since learned that many people had suspicions. I lied several times when asked because I was too afraid to leave my little sister, brother and Mom alone with him. I thought if I bore the brunt of his abuse they would be safe and that in my own little way, I was protecting those that I love the most. I was wrong, but that's not my story to tell. Guess protecting the ones I love has always been a pattern for me, and an instinct I learned very early on. The sexual abuse stopped when I was a young teenager however the emotional and physical abuse continued until I couldn't take it any longer and moved out when I was a senior in high school. Yes, I went back and lived there again for about a year, during my freshman year of college, but he literally didn't say two words to me during that year and in my adolescent mind, I thought he had changed as much as I had.
What does my revelation have to do with the Duggar girls? I truly believe that they suffer, just as I did, from a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome is the phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and even sympathy with their captors sometimes to the point of defending them. No ands, ifs or buts about it, that was me. I wanted him to approve of me, probably because his approval meant he was happy and I wouldn't be punished. However you look at it, that's what they have been trained to do, defend their abuser. It's not for us to judge, or even understand, our job is to take their experiences, combine them with our own, and make sure this doesn't happen to the ones we love. Learn from their situation, sympathize with them and above everything else, pray for their entire family. This isn't the end of their journey, and they can help so many with their story, and in some way, I hope I can too.
This small, curved and dark path of my journey ended on August 20, 2013 when Frank passed away after many years of poor lifestyle choices. In all reality, Frank's hold on my life ended on September 11, 2010; the day my baby brother left this earth. I spoke to Frank many times during that week, even sat and talked to him and his wife after the funeral and I remember wishing I could scream at him that he no longer matter to me and that his evil reign had come to an end. However, everyone was hurting and that wouldn't be honoring the spectacular life of my brother so I kept my mouth shut (please take a moment to pick your mouth up off the floor). Many people in my life know my story, I've shared it with close friends and of course my family. I've learned I have no reason to be ashamed of the abuse, and that it was in no way my fault. Did it have an effect on my journey, of course it did. Does it continue to effect me today, absolutely but it doesn't define me. It simply makes me stronger, wiser and even more tolerant. I try to remember that forgiveness doesn't excuse someone's behavior, it just prevents it from destroying your heart.
