Day of visitors, day of improvements

As February 16th turned into February 17th, I noticed a little improvement in his skin color. I also noticed Dr. Blincoe didn't say the word "grim" every time I saw him and I noticed that he wasn't always at Troup's bedside, observing. I took this as a good sign, well, at the moment, I was clinging to any sign of any slight improvement as a good sign. 

The kids and their friends arrived and Emily, Ryan and I made our way back, to visit with Dad. In the ICU, you can't sit down, so the three of us stood beside him, telling him we loved him, and asking him to come back. It was heartbreaking to see the kids begging him to hold on, no child at 17 and 20 should have to see their Dad, their hero, in such a painful place. Mid morning, visitors starting arriving and honestly, we wouldn't have made it those first few days without our family and friends. Diana and Paul arrived with breakfast for the group and sat with us for hours, crying, laughing and offering their help and love. Trouper's parents arrived from Texas, along with his Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Sue, and Kim and I had took them back to see their baby. It was shocking for them, and as we tried to explain that he was actually a little better, I don't think they believed us. I don't know when he arrived but Larry showed up, he is more like family than anything and I could see the hurt on his face. Christopher, his wife Dusti and their kids Noah, Olivia and Jana arrived, and brought a liveliness to the group. Having kids around always makes things interesting. Of course Kim and Jay were there, I don't know if they really ever left those first few days, but I know I am forever grateful for their love and support. 

Mid afternoon, I looked up to see my sister and mom walk in and all I could do was hug them and cry. Seeing them made me hope, made me know, that it was all going to be okay. Their presence offered comfort to the kids and I that no other family member or friend could offer and I was so thankful they jumped on the first flight Sunday to be with us. My sister embodies the quote "and though she be but little, she is fierce" and immediately assessed the situation, asking questions, the lawyer in her taking over. Mom stood quietly, reading the monitors and asking about medications, the health care professional in her taking over. They were concerned for Ryan and Emily, realizing how hard this was on them and they were concerned for my health, insisting I sit down, get a drink and have something to eat. I am usually of the mindset that happiness is having a loving, caring, adoring family in another city but in that moment, my moment of anxiety, heartache and fear of the unknown, having them there provided some piece of mind and allowed me to finally exhale. 

Gene and Gina, our dear friends and she, my most trusted confidant, arrived. They had been on a romantic weekend when they heard the news and came straight from the mountains to be with us. Gina is the most literal, tell it like it is person I know and never filters anything. She was like "don't BS me, what's happening and how are they going to fix him"? Having her there, with her off the wall comments, love (especially for Ryan, she always says she is team Ryan) and laughter made the hours go by a little faster. 

My Dad and his family were in California, for my aunt's funeral and immediately made their way to the hospital. Once Dad and Benita and the boys arrived, I felt like everything was complete, we were in place to fight and the kids and I were surrounded with love and compassion, no matter where this journey was going to take us. 

February 16th, the day that changed EVERYTHING!

Everyone has those moments in life that you remember. Those moments when you recall every detail, those moments that stay with you no matter how much time passes. Those special days, like the day you married or the birth of your children, or those not so special ones that cause pain and frustration. I have many good and bad moments, ones that I remember every detail, like I remember my own name and birthday. February 16th, I added another. The day that my beloved husband suffered a heart attack and set our family on a journey that we will be traveling for the rest of our lives. 

Trouper woke me up with a stomach ache about 3 am, told me he had thrown-up and thought he pulled something in his back. I told him to take some Advil and try and get some rest. He couldn't get comfortable and moved from the bedroom to the living room, trying not to wake me. When I did awake a few hours later, he looked terrible and said his stomach and back were killing him. I talked him into going to a "Doc in the Box" as it was Saturday and our family physician would be closed. He agreed, and I started getting ready. I walked out of the room for a few minutes and when I came back, his breathing was labored and he said he felt like he was drowning. I told him I was calling 911 and he said no, just get me to the ER. With the help of our son, I drove to our local hospital, where he was able to get out of the car and walk into the registration area. By the time I parked, I was met at the door and told he was having a heart attack and the doctor would speak with me shortly. I was taken to his room, where a dozen nurses and doctors worked on him. All I could do was cry, and all he could do was mouth he loved me and that he was sorry. Typically Trouper, worried about everyone else and trying to comfort me. They shuffled him to the cath lab, where I was told they would evaluate and place stents if needed. I was told it was a two hour process and someone would update me. The children and their friends arrived, my children are lucky to have friends who surround them during such difficult times and we sat, holding hands, praying and waiting for news. Two hours passed, then three, and sometime during the fourth, a nurse came out to get us, the doctor needed to speak to us. He confirmed that there was major damage, that Trouper was stable and had two stents placed. He was confident of a full recovery but said the transport team was preparing him to be moved to Piedmont Hospital, in downtown Atlanta. I could see Troup, through the glass, and my heart broke. I cried, and the doctor told me not to be upset, I had saved his life, I had gotten him to the hospital in time. When the kids and I were finished with our meeting, Trouper's Aunt Kim had arrived and she and I drove downtown while the kids took cars home, dealt with our animals and changed clothes. Emily was actually still in her PJ's. We arrived at Piedmont and went to the CCU unit, where we were told he would be going upon arrival. They directed us to ICU and where we were told they were evaluating him. We waited, and waited, and waited. After two hours, the nurse came out, said the doctor needed to speak to us and we were ushered back, behind the closed doors. The sight was shocking. 21 machines surrounded my precious husband, along with many nurses, doctors and staff. They had to place him on a vent, and had put him in a deep sedation to keep him still. I remember looking at the kids, Ryan was leaning towards the wall, crying and Emily was leaning on him. They offered me a chair, for fear I would pass out, and Kim stood silent, with tears running down her face, holding her hand over her mouth so she didn't scream. Dr. Blincoe, a cardiologist, said three things:

1. Your husband is the sickest person at this hospital. 2. Call who you need to call and 3. If you pray, start because it will be a miracle if he makes it through the night. 

I started to ask questions but my voice didn't come, I just sat there. I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak, I had to will myself to breath. He told us they had some more testing, that Trouper was suffering heart failure brought on by the heart attack and that his body was fighting by raising his blood sugar, which was currently 800. He kept using the word "grim", never smiling or offering a word of comfort or encouragement. Just saying "it's grim Mrs. Gamble". We left, I had to get the kids out of there for a few minutes, and update our families. Uncle Jay, cousin Christopher and his sweet Noah arrived, along with friends Larry, TJ and his wife Jamie. I took them back, TJ lasted a few seconds and had to leave. It was heartbreaking. For hours, I would stay with Troup for a few minutes, then be asked to leave and each time Dr. Blincoe would be sitting beside Troup's bed, and tell me it was still "grim". Cousin Amanda, Todd and a few more of the kids' friends arrived and we filled the hallway just outside ICU. Troup's sister, Jenny, and her family arrived in the wee hours of the morning and I remember feeling such pain for her. I lost my brother, and I know the helplessness that you feel as a sibling, not being able to help. Eventually, I sent the kids' home and promised to call if anything changed. The remaining family spanned out in the waiting room, talking, praying, texting, watching movies; anything to keep busy. I would go back every few minutes, to check on my sweet Troup, and Dr. Blincoe would inevitably frown and say the word "grim" again. I started to notice that he never moved, each time I went back, he was sitting there, with either a folder in his hand or his glasses pulled down, observing Troup. Everyone insisted I go home and rest but I couldn't leave. If there had been room in the bed, I would have crawled into it and held him but instead, I stood there, holding his hand, reminding him of special moments we have shared, begging him to stay with me. Around 5am, his nurse told me I should go home and get some rest, or at least have a shower and change clothes. I noticed that Dr. Blincoe had gone, and she said "if he left, things are looking up". She told me Dr. Blincoe would be back by 7am, so I had two hours. Amanda and Todd drove me home, and when I walked in, there were teenagers everywhere. One thing about Troup, everyone loves him, especially the kids' friends. He is the "look what I can do" dad and his humor and love extends to everyone. I sat for a minute, in his chair, and cried. I cried for him, for me and for the kids. At that moment, I decided I was going to be brave, and fight for this man, the love of my life, while he was too sick to fight for himself. That day changed me, changed us, changed our family. Often, it is your deepest pain that forces you to become your true self and we were going to be a team of fighters. Fighters for Trouper, we would become Team Super Trouper.