Last week, I sat in the doctor's office with Emily, seeing another Crohn's specialist and answering those "first visit" questions. He asked when she began a certain medication, and at first, neither one of us could remember, thinking it was in early 2016. He looked oddly at us, we had answered all his other questions with specific dates and information, never hesitating but suddenly, both of us drew a blank. I had to explain; the same old explanation we've been giving for 547 days (1 year, 5 months, 29 days): "in July 2016, my husband, her father, passed away and 2016 is really a blur". I wonder how many times in the past year and a half we've had to say that sentence? How many times have we heard the odd "I'm sorry" and felt that weird silence that immediately accompanies the I'm sorry? More times than I can count, I assure you.
When we finally came up with the date, October 2015, Emily said "I remember, it was before, Dad and Chelsey took me to my first infusion". Suddenly, I felt a pang, the word before stinging like an old love song. Before the world went dark. Before our heart's broke. Before life stopped. Before the end. Time is now measured in before and after. Each day, Ryan, Emily and I inevitably refer to time as just that; before and after. When did we buy that vacuum cleaner, oh, before. When is the last time you talked to them, oh right after. We don't mean to measure time like that but it seems our brains have decided to that's how it will be from this point forward; before and after.
Before, Trouper went to her doctor appointments and sat with her on infusion days. After, I try my best to go with her and no more infusions, they didn't work. Before, she would go to lunch with her Dad and usually, he would buy her something to make her feel better, even when she was 20 years old. After, we both rush off to work, always too busy for lunch and a treat.
I miss Trouper all the time, in really ordinary situations but now, I understand how Emily misses him and one of the specific voids he left in her life. While I was busy worrying about him, and navigating his health issues, he was busy navigating hers. She was diagnosed the summer after her freshman year of college and by then, he was over a year into his own medical crisis. That allowed him time to sit at the hospital, go to her doctor appointments and hold her hand. I'm not saying I wasn't there but Troup and Emily shared something not many people will ever share; chronic illness. Even before they were unbelievably close and shared much more than illness. They have the same happy disposition, same sense of humor and people always seem to gravitate to the them. They love cartoons and for the rest of time, the Minions will remind her of her Dad. Ryan and I often got thrown aside, or outvoted, when the two of them teamed up. More than once I mentioned our household was us vs. them but I was assured that wasn't the case even though deep down I knew it was. I'm not mad, both kids got plenty of his marvelous, and not so marvelous, traits. Ryan knows music and movies like the back of his hand, just like his Dad. They would exchange info on new bands and music on a daily basis. They shared a love of odd and foreign food and more than once would be running out the door, and say "we didn't invite you because we are going to have......" and it was some food I wouldn't dare eat. Ryan also inherited Troup's moodiness, well both kids did, and I can look at Ryan, just like I could look at Troup, and know not to bother him. Emily and Troup shared a love of naps and sleeping late. They would stay up all night, finally going to bed at 6am and sleep till 6pm. Even now, even AFTER, these traits are still prevalent and I've learned that this is who they are and that's the legacy of being Troup's kids.
So today, as I pondered the bad weather, I thought "before, when there was ice on the ground, my biggest concern was making sure Troup had batteries" and again, felt that pang as I whispered before. Before and after, the yin and yang of my life.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Twenty Five on Twenty Five
Twenty five years; in the blink of an eye they were gone yet so many memories remain. Jubilant, amazing, and wistful memories of two lives that became one. Two teenagers with broken pasts who found one another and clung to hope. With nothing more than words to our names, we gave each other all we had and for twenty three years, seven months and eight days, that was enough. Just babies when we repeated the words "in sickness and in health" never realizing how very important those words would become, but always knowing we would give it the old West Texas try and make it work. And it did, and it still does. That day, we didn't promise yesterday, today and tomorrow because we didn't truly know what that meant but looking back I like to think we did, or maybe the Good Lord just made sure we did. I want to remember that day, twenty five years ago and the days leading up to it and the ones that proceeded it. They made me who I am and, in tearful moments, bring a smile to me. So here are my twenty five on twenty five.....
1. When Trouper jumped off the pump jack, after asking me to marry him, he said "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible". Everyone around us just oooo'd and awww'd but I just laughed, we had watched When Harry Met Sally the night before and Troup was quoting a line (even though it was a cute line) from the movie. It wasn't a Troup original but of course he tried to play it off as his own.
2. The afternoon of our wedding, he knocked on my door (I was using a Sunday School room as a bridal suite) and my sister told him he couldn't see me, it was bad luck. We had already seen one another that day so I insisted she let him in. He asked her to step out and he said "I'm not sure how long this will last, but I just want you to know I've loved you since the moment I met you and even when this is all over, I will still love you".
3. It rarely snows in Odessa, Texas especially in early December but on December 5, 1992, when we went outside to head to our honeymoon, it was snowing. We stood outside for a minute and laughed that we had a real winter wedding.
4. We planned our wedding in a month and planned it for December because our church would already be decorated for Christmas so naturally, our colors would be hunter green and burgundy. 20 year olds don't have the money for anything, much less a wedding so we saved where we could save.
5. Speaking of saving money, Trouper needed a haircut so the night before our wedding, his Mom cut his hair and he hated it. She shaved the sides too high, especially on one side but he just laughed and said that was his bad side so he would just turn the other direction during pictures.
6. When you're 20 and decide to get married the only question you are asked is "are you pregnant". Trouper came up with a Trouper-original response. "No, but it's not for lack of trying. You know condoms and pills are expensive!"
7. On our wedding night, we had a few bottles of wine. He drank one by himself and was rather tipsy. I've told his dancing story but few people know that he called his ex-girlfriend, Angela. She hated me no doubt about that and had told anyone and everyone that would listen that I was either a) pregnant or b) marrying him for money and c) she'd be shocked if he actually went through with it. All three were laughable. I already had a 9 month old so another baby wasn't even on the radar and the money theory was hysterical. Trouper worked at KMart when we got married and I don't recall getting rich off KMart money. So while I took a shower, in his drunk stupor, he called her. He told her off, in his nice Trouper way, and told her he would call her again on our 25th anniversary. I don't know where she is these days but I wish I could call her and let her know we made it and both took the "till death do you part" portion very seriously.
8. The Fleaz; a band of brothers formed by three crazy kids. Drugs, sex and rock-n-roll defined their friendship but so did loyalty, love and admiration. I was the outsider. I wasn't one of their girls, I didn't follow blindly or take any crap. I became the Mom of the group but still, one of them getting married was out of the question. It meant the end of an era and they voiced their opinion on the subject more than once. But they still showed up that cold Saturday night in December and in our wedding book, wrote their names and the word "Fleaz" beside it. I will never forget the hot Sunday morning in June, almost 24 years later, when two of those crazy kids traveled 1200 miles to walk into a hospital to say goodbye to the their brother.
9. Trouper loved music and we fought about what music to play at the ceremony. I knew I wanted Carla Rogers, who I had known most of my life, to play the piano but Trouper, in his dire devotion, wanted Stay by Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd at my wedding? Not just no, but HELL NO. I don't know if I actually won that argument and don't remember what I had to promise in order to get my way but I do know that the sounds of a 1970's rock band weren't heard that day.
10. My Dad gave me $500 dollars to buy my wedding dress. I went to a bridal store in Midland and bought my dress, an ivory gown with an open back and lots lace and pearls, for $199, alterations included. Guess I didn't do too bad because two other people have asked to wear it on their wedding day and now, it's in my closet, waiting on Emily. She wants the pearls and some of the lace to add to her flower arrangement when she walks down the aisle one day and while I will be a little sad cutting it up, I am so honored she loves it as much as I do and wants it represented on her special day.
11. My Grandmother bought our wedding and groom's cake. From Albertson's no less. Guess what flavor the groom's cake was??? You're right if you guessed yellow with chocolate frosting. Same as every birthday cake I baked on September 12th for the next 23 years.
12. While I'm on the subject of cake: We had a fight the night before our wedding. I won't go into why (wasn't about cake) because it doesn't really matter but we spent the night apart and didn't see one another until our rehearsal on Saturday morning. He asked me if I was still mad and if I was still marrying him to which I replied yes to both. He said "well, good thing you look beautiful when you're mad and I'm not going to lie, I've been thinking about that cake all day so I'm really happy you're still willing to do this, I need some cake".
13. Trouper was really torn about his best man. He wanted ten groomsman but I said no, one. It was a small, quickly planned wedding and I didn't have time to pick ten bridesmaids. So he asked Jason Wheeler, knowing it would hurt some feelings. Jason and Troup were closer than brothers, and Jason had never said anything bad about me, in fact, only encouraged Trouper to make a move and finally try and win my heart. In my head, I can still see the two of them, standing at the alter, looking handsome with big toothy grins. We always planned on having another wedding, ironically on our 25th anniversary, and I told him he could have as many groomsman as he wanted.
14. We went and saw The Bodyguard on our honeymoon. Trouper always said it was the beginning of him never being allowed to choose a movie again. He was right.
15. My MIL, Teresa, made my veil. It was a headpiece of flowers for a headband and tulle. It's still on a hanger in my closet. When I was packing our closet to move last year, I put it on and wore it for hours. I forgot I had it on when the movers showed up. I'm sure they thought I was crazy.
16. We had one video of our wedding and many mistakes were made regarding that video. About a month after the wedding, we watched it on his parent's VCR. First, the video wasn't marked, second, we didn't make copies and third, his Dad recorded Star Trek over it. Bet you can guess what our first big fight as a married couple was.....
17. Ryan was nine months old when we got married. He went with us on our first date, to La Bodega, when he was a month old in April of 1992. Trouper said he felt like a Dad from the moment he officially met Ryan, on Easter Sunday after Ryan had his kidney removed the week before. He had met him before, through a window the night he was born, but didn't get to hold him until Easter. My Mom bought him a little Christmas suit to wear for the wedding and Christmas and he sat front and center, with her and my Grandma Dorothy, laughing and smiling.
18. My Grandma Dorothy adored Trouper and said he was the smartest kid she ever had in her Sunday School class and he always knew his bible verse each week. He broke it to her, many years later, that he only learned the verse to get the candy or doughnuts she brought as a reward each week. In fact, he was the only 15 year old allowed in her middle school Sunday School class. She was sad I was getting married so young but ecstatic it was to Trouper. She treated him as one of her own from day one.
19. I didn't tell my Mom where I was going on my honeymoon, not that it was some exotic place (Midland). I did, however, call her once a day and check in because she was taking care of Ryan. She didn't approve of Trouper, certainly didn't approve of her oldest getting married and I didn't trust her to leave us alone for three days. Kinda shady on my part yet kinda funny too. She and Trouper ended up having a wonderful relationship and I secretly think she likes him more than me. On the subject of honeymoons, we went on what we called our delayed-moon three years later, to Las Vegas. Guess what we came back with? The gift that has kept giving for 22 years, Miss Emily Jene'.
20. We always said if we had been smart, we wouldn't have gotten married in December. We always put off our anniversary because Christmas was three weeks away but planned on a big trip, and renewal, for our 25th.
21. One of the funniest stories around our anniversary was the year, and I believe it was our 5th or 6th anniversary, when Mom and Janet almost got arrested. Trouper's parents had the kids for the night, we went to dinner and had just gotten home for some "alone time" when Janet called. She said "Dara, you better get down to the Holiday Inn, your Mom and I are about to be arrested". Hilarity ensued, bans from Holiday Inn were made and 3am meals at Denny's were eaten. By the time we got home the sun was coming up and we were too tired for "alone time".
22. For our 20th anniversary, the December before Trouper got sick, he bought me a beautiful new (and large) wedding ring. He and the kids planned an elaborate night, which included a maze of pictures, game of Clue and at the end, Troup on one knee. It was one of the most special moments of my life and I will wear that ring until I take my last breath.
23. My brother, Bumper, didn't go to our wedding. He was young and under the influence of my step-dad. My step-dad refused to go because I said he wouldn't be walking me down the aisle because let's face it, he probably would have tripped me and laughed, been drunk or tried to flirt with one of my friends (probably all three). Anyway, years later, when my brother got married, him, his friends and of course Troup had a very comical night before the wedding which included a nasty story about Denny's Moons over Myhammy. I see a Denny's theme, but anyway, Bumper apologized to Trouper that night for not coming. It meant the world to Troup and they had a really special bond.
24. We celebrated one of our last anniversaries at Piedmont Hospital. The nurses let us go down to Au Bon Pain for lunch and Ryan brought us dinner from Uncle Julio's. Ryan, his friend Mark, Troup and I ate and laughed. I asked him what he would have done differently all those years ago and he said nothing and I knew he meant it. I spent the night with him that night and we held hands in the dark and he cried. I asked him why he was crying, at least we were together and he said this isn't how we should be spending our anniversary. I said well, you've got a few years to plan an amazing 25th so get busy mister. He replied okay, but do I have to get your approval or can I play Pink Floyd? I laughed and said Pink Floyd is just fine.
25. I used to imagine the things I would change about that night, all those years ago, but truth be told now, I don't think I would change one thing. We married at the place we first met; Open Door Assembly of God, surrounded by the people we loved and the ones who loved us. It was a magical night topped off with snow and lots of love. My sister said it best, at Trouper's funeral. "Doesn't matter how big and fancy your wedding is, all that matters is the love you feel". And while we were just kids making adult commitments I think we did just fine. We have two beautiful children and and a lifetime of memories. If I could change anything, I would strike a bargain with God and give us twenty five more years together.
1. When Trouper jumped off the pump jack, after asking me to marry him, he said "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible". Everyone around us just oooo'd and awww'd but I just laughed, we had watched When Harry Met Sally the night before and Troup was quoting a line (even though it was a cute line) from the movie. It wasn't a Troup original but of course he tried to play it off as his own.
2. The afternoon of our wedding, he knocked on my door (I was using a Sunday School room as a bridal suite) and my sister told him he couldn't see me, it was bad luck. We had already seen one another that day so I insisted she let him in. He asked her to step out and he said "I'm not sure how long this will last, but I just want you to know I've loved you since the moment I met you and even when this is all over, I will still love you".
3. It rarely snows in Odessa, Texas especially in early December but on December 5, 1992, when we went outside to head to our honeymoon, it was snowing. We stood outside for a minute and laughed that we had a real winter wedding.
4. We planned our wedding in a month and planned it for December because our church would already be decorated for Christmas so naturally, our colors would be hunter green and burgundy. 20 year olds don't have the money for anything, much less a wedding so we saved where we could save.
5. Speaking of saving money, Trouper needed a haircut so the night before our wedding, his Mom cut his hair and he hated it. She shaved the sides too high, especially on one side but he just laughed and said that was his bad side so he would just turn the other direction during pictures.
6. When you're 20 and decide to get married the only question you are asked is "are you pregnant". Trouper came up with a Trouper-original response. "No, but it's not for lack of trying. You know condoms and pills are expensive!"
7. On our wedding night, we had a few bottles of wine. He drank one by himself and was rather tipsy. I've told his dancing story but few people know that he called his ex-girlfriend, Angela. She hated me no doubt about that and had told anyone and everyone that would listen that I was either a) pregnant or b) marrying him for money and c) she'd be shocked if he actually went through with it. All three were laughable. I already had a 9 month old so another baby wasn't even on the radar and the money theory was hysterical. Trouper worked at KMart when we got married and I don't recall getting rich off KMart money. So while I took a shower, in his drunk stupor, he called her. He told her off, in his nice Trouper way, and told her he would call her again on our 25th anniversary. I don't know where she is these days but I wish I could call her and let her know we made it and both took the "till death do you part" portion very seriously.
8. The Fleaz; a band of brothers formed by three crazy kids. Drugs, sex and rock-n-roll defined their friendship but so did loyalty, love and admiration. I was the outsider. I wasn't one of their girls, I didn't follow blindly or take any crap. I became the Mom of the group but still, one of them getting married was out of the question. It meant the end of an era and they voiced their opinion on the subject more than once. But they still showed up that cold Saturday night in December and in our wedding book, wrote their names and the word "Fleaz" beside it. I will never forget the hot Sunday morning in June, almost 24 years later, when two of those crazy kids traveled 1200 miles to walk into a hospital to say goodbye to the their brother.
9. Trouper loved music and we fought about what music to play at the ceremony. I knew I wanted Carla Rogers, who I had known most of my life, to play the piano but Trouper, in his dire devotion, wanted Stay by Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd at my wedding? Not just no, but HELL NO. I don't know if I actually won that argument and don't remember what I had to promise in order to get my way but I do know that the sounds of a 1970's rock band weren't heard that day.
10. My Dad gave me $500 dollars to buy my wedding dress. I went to a bridal store in Midland and bought my dress, an ivory gown with an open back and lots lace and pearls, for $199, alterations included. Guess I didn't do too bad because two other people have asked to wear it on their wedding day and now, it's in my closet, waiting on Emily. She wants the pearls and some of the lace to add to her flower arrangement when she walks down the aisle one day and while I will be a little sad cutting it up, I am so honored she loves it as much as I do and wants it represented on her special day.
11. My Grandmother bought our wedding and groom's cake. From Albertson's no less. Guess what flavor the groom's cake was??? You're right if you guessed yellow with chocolate frosting. Same as every birthday cake I baked on September 12th for the next 23 years.
12. While I'm on the subject of cake: We had a fight the night before our wedding. I won't go into why (wasn't about cake) because it doesn't really matter but we spent the night apart and didn't see one another until our rehearsal on Saturday morning. He asked me if I was still mad and if I was still marrying him to which I replied yes to both. He said "well, good thing you look beautiful when you're mad and I'm not going to lie, I've been thinking about that cake all day so I'm really happy you're still willing to do this, I need some cake".
13. Trouper was really torn about his best man. He wanted ten groomsman but I said no, one. It was a small, quickly planned wedding and I didn't have time to pick ten bridesmaids. So he asked Jason Wheeler, knowing it would hurt some feelings. Jason and Troup were closer than brothers, and Jason had never said anything bad about me, in fact, only encouraged Trouper to make a move and finally try and win my heart. In my head, I can still see the two of them, standing at the alter, looking handsome with big toothy grins. We always planned on having another wedding, ironically on our 25th anniversary, and I told him he could have as many groomsman as he wanted.
14. We went and saw The Bodyguard on our honeymoon. Trouper always said it was the beginning of him never being allowed to choose a movie again. He was right.
15. My MIL, Teresa, made my veil. It was a headpiece of flowers for a headband and tulle. It's still on a hanger in my closet. When I was packing our closet to move last year, I put it on and wore it for hours. I forgot I had it on when the movers showed up. I'm sure they thought I was crazy.
16. We had one video of our wedding and many mistakes were made regarding that video. About a month after the wedding, we watched it on his parent's VCR. First, the video wasn't marked, second, we didn't make copies and third, his Dad recorded Star Trek over it. Bet you can guess what our first big fight as a married couple was.....
17. Ryan was nine months old when we got married. He went with us on our first date, to La Bodega, when he was a month old in April of 1992. Trouper said he felt like a Dad from the moment he officially met Ryan, on Easter Sunday after Ryan had his kidney removed the week before. He had met him before, through a window the night he was born, but didn't get to hold him until Easter. My Mom bought him a little Christmas suit to wear for the wedding and Christmas and he sat front and center, with her and my Grandma Dorothy, laughing and smiling.
18. My Grandma Dorothy adored Trouper and said he was the smartest kid she ever had in her Sunday School class and he always knew his bible verse each week. He broke it to her, many years later, that he only learned the verse to get the candy or doughnuts she brought as a reward each week. In fact, he was the only 15 year old allowed in her middle school Sunday School class. She was sad I was getting married so young but ecstatic it was to Trouper. She treated him as one of her own from day one.
19. I didn't tell my Mom where I was going on my honeymoon, not that it was some exotic place (Midland). I did, however, call her once a day and check in because she was taking care of Ryan. She didn't approve of Trouper, certainly didn't approve of her oldest getting married and I didn't trust her to leave us alone for three days. Kinda shady on my part yet kinda funny too. She and Trouper ended up having a wonderful relationship and I secretly think she likes him more than me. On the subject of honeymoons, we went on what we called our delayed-moon three years later, to Las Vegas. Guess what we came back with? The gift that has kept giving for 22 years, Miss Emily Jene'.
20. We always said if we had been smart, we wouldn't have gotten married in December. We always put off our anniversary because Christmas was three weeks away but planned on a big trip, and renewal, for our 25th.
21. One of the funniest stories around our anniversary was the year, and I believe it was our 5th or 6th anniversary, when Mom and Janet almost got arrested. Trouper's parents had the kids for the night, we went to dinner and had just gotten home for some "alone time" when Janet called. She said "Dara, you better get down to the Holiday Inn, your Mom and I are about to be arrested". Hilarity ensued, bans from Holiday Inn were made and 3am meals at Denny's were eaten. By the time we got home the sun was coming up and we were too tired for "alone time".
22. For our 20th anniversary, the December before Trouper got sick, he bought me a beautiful new (and large) wedding ring. He and the kids planned an elaborate night, which included a maze of pictures, game of Clue and at the end, Troup on one knee. It was one of the most special moments of my life and I will wear that ring until I take my last breath.
23. My brother, Bumper, didn't go to our wedding. He was young and under the influence of my step-dad. My step-dad refused to go because I said he wouldn't be walking me down the aisle because let's face it, he probably would have tripped me and laughed, been drunk or tried to flirt with one of my friends (probably all three). Anyway, years later, when my brother got married, him, his friends and of course Troup had a very comical night before the wedding which included a nasty story about Denny's Moons over Myhammy. I see a Denny's theme, but anyway, Bumper apologized to Trouper that night for not coming. It meant the world to Troup and they had a really special bond.
24. We celebrated one of our last anniversaries at Piedmont Hospital. The nurses let us go down to Au Bon Pain for lunch and Ryan brought us dinner from Uncle Julio's. Ryan, his friend Mark, Troup and I ate and laughed. I asked him what he would have done differently all those years ago and he said nothing and I knew he meant it. I spent the night with him that night and we held hands in the dark and he cried. I asked him why he was crying, at least we were together and he said this isn't how we should be spending our anniversary. I said well, you've got a few years to plan an amazing 25th so get busy mister. He replied okay, but do I have to get your approval or can I play Pink Floyd? I laughed and said Pink Floyd is just fine.
25. I used to imagine the things I would change about that night, all those years ago, but truth be told now, I don't think I would change one thing. We married at the place we first met; Open Door Assembly of God, surrounded by the people we loved and the ones who loved us. It was a magical night topped off with snow and lots of love. My sister said it best, at Trouper's funeral. "Doesn't matter how big and fancy your wedding is, all that matters is the love you feel". And while we were just kids making adult commitments I think we did just fine. We have two beautiful children and and a lifetime of memories. If I could change anything, I would strike a bargain with God and give us twenty five more years together.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Spoiler Alert, The Hero Dies....
I write about Trouper all the time, just as I think about him all the time. It's always truthful and positive, because that's how he lived his life, much of the time. I read in another widow's blog, whose 3 years into her widow's journey, that someone commented she posts too much on social media about her spouse and another person said it was always positive, and made her spouse look like a saint, which they knew he was not. So I asked myself the same questions a) do I post too much about Trouper on social media and b) is it all positive and the answer to both is yes.
The reason I post so much is because he is my life. Not was my life, he is. In the story of my life, he is the hero. He's still a daily part of my life; I still talk about him, laugh about him, cry about him and long for him. I always will. He's still a permanent fixture in our home. We sit in his chair, I still wonder aloud to him when I'm cooking something new and I sleep in one of his shirts almost every night (so does Emily but that's because she "borrows" them). His ashes are prominently displayed in our living room and I will add that there is a lovely lipstick mark on his urn. So, if someone in my life feels I post too much about Trouper on my social media pages, they can simply delete me as a friend. Trust me, you won't be the first or the last and it won't break my heart. My heart is pretty strong, as I've come to learn and someone not wanting to "be my friend" on FaceBook won't break me. As I said he is the hero in the book of Dara and I will talk, write, sing, cry and post about him whenever and where ever I feel like it and I don't care if it offends you. Maybe you posting 900 cat videos offends me.
Do I only post positive things about Trouper, you bet. But, just for the record, I'm still in the beginning chapter of losing my hero. I'm sure you've noticed, or even done it yourself, but when someone dies, especially so young, they become a saint. I noticed it when my brother died and it's true about Trouper as well. Where either one of them saints, HELL NO and while I speak about the good much more than the bad, it doesn't mean I've forgotten there was any bad in the first place. Trouper was a complicated man. He was the most comical, outgoing, loving and kind man I've ever met. He treated everyone with respect, and thought that everyone in this world was just as kind as him. But he was also stubborn and loved to live in excess. He knew what buttons to push and would push them before you could even spell the word buttons. He was loyal, to a fault, and it caused more than one argument between us and, in the last few weeks of his life, was a major point of contention. But just because I don't detail his bad traits, or the bad moments we had, on social media for the world to see doesn't mean I've forgotten them. He was a complicated and flawed man, who had a difficult early life, just as I'm a complicated and flawed woman who had a difficult early life but in reality, that didn't matter to us. We would get happy just as quickly as we got mad and at the end of the day, we both knew that we could count on one another for anything. We fought a hard battle and I didn't do it for likes or positive messages on FaceBook. I did it because he was my person, my hero and he deserved the chance to walk his daughter down the aisle, hold his son's first son and sit on the back porch with me and Maximus. I'm proud of the last four years; the good, the bad and everything in between because I proved to myself that no matter what, I can be counted on and strong when it matters most. Do I care what other people think, no, not anymore. Because when the hero of my story died, so did my ability to care what people think about me. I know my truth, and his, and I know we fit perfectly together, flaws and all.
So in the end I will continue to talk about Trouper in any light I chose and I can confidently say he wouldn't mind. If you didn't know him, he was not private in the least and would tell you whatever you wanted (or didn't want) to know about his life. And while the hero has left his spirit and legacy didn't, and it's my job to keep it going and I take my job as the heroes wife very seriously!
Friday, August 11, 2017
Milestones
A year ago last month, I was initiated into a club no one wants or chooses to join. On a hot July morning, I walked into a room a wife and left a widow. I actually hate the word widow, I'm still Trouper's wife, we are just separated at the moment.
I'm still learning to navigate this life of separation and learn to deal with milestone days without my beloved by my side. I'm learning to trust God again because, after a three year journey where I put all my trust and hope into him finding us a perfect heart in his perfect time, I was left clinging to faith. Trust me, a true test of faith comes when tragedy hits, if you disagree, check out the book of Job.
I'm also learning to be courageous when facing milestones. Everyday milestones, like root canals, doctor appointments, even grocery store visits can be tremendous acts of courage when you do them alone for the first time in twenty five years. Courage is getting out of bed and letting the dogs out when I'd rather pull the covers over my head and cry. I also notice ordinary acts of courage much more than I did before I joined this club. A middle age woman eating alone at a restaurant or an older gentleman buying TV dinners at the grocery store. Some days, I want to pat myself on the back because I made it through the day without crying then, driving home, a song triggers a tsunami or I go to my closet to retrieve a shirt and see a pair of his shoes or his favorite Texas jacket and I fall to the ground, gasping for air. Those times I don't feel very courageous.
A major milestone will be my 45th birthday in a few days. Yes I know it's not as major as turning 21 or 40 but to me, being half way through my 4th decade is MAJOR! Trouper used to joke that when I turned 40 he was going to "trade me in for two 20's" to which I replied "if you can a) find two 20's that will take you and b) keep up with them than c) have at it". Now, I'm able to laugh and take comfort in memories like that, and remember that the Bible tells us "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". Not only am I comforted by memories but I've been comforted by friends, loved ones and even strangers who often turn out to be someone whose life Trouper touched. Finally, I'm learning to keep my eyes open so that God can comfort me. Butterflies in the early morning when I drag myself out of bed and let the dogs out or his smell on his favorite Texas jacket that will always hang in my closet bring me comfort through my tears. And maybe, if I play my cards right, one day when I close my eyes in this world and open them in the next, the first thing I will see will be his smiling face and and the first thing I will hear is him saying "hey babe".
I'm still learning to navigate this life of separation and learn to deal with milestone days without my beloved by my side. I'm learning to trust God again because, after a three year journey where I put all my trust and hope into him finding us a perfect heart in his perfect time, I was left clinging to faith. Trust me, a true test of faith comes when tragedy hits, if you disagree, check out the book of Job.
I'm also learning to be courageous when facing milestones. Everyday milestones, like root canals, doctor appointments, even grocery store visits can be tremendous acts of courage when you do them alone for the first time in twenty five years. Courage is getting out of bed and letting the dogs out when I'd rather pull the covers over my head and cry. I also notice ordinary acts of courage much more than I did before I joined this club. A middle age woman eating alone at a restaurant or an older gentleman buying TV dinners at the grocery store. Some days, I want to pat myself on the back because I made it through the day without crying then, driving home, a song triggers a tsunami or I go to my closet to retrieve a shirt and see a pair of his shoes or his favorite Texas jacket and I fall to the ground, gasping for air. Those times I don't feel very courageous.
A major milestone will be my 45th birthday in a few days. Yes I know it's not as major as turning 21 or 40 but to me, being half way through my 4th decade is MAJOR! Trouper used to joke that when I turned 40 he was going to "trade me in for two 20's" to which I replied "if you can a) find two 20's that will take you and b) keep up with them than c) have at it". Now, I'm able to laugh and take comfort in memories like that, and remember that the Bible tells us "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted". Not only am I comforted by memories but I've been comforted by friends, loved ones and even strangers who often turn out to be someone whose life Trouper touched. Finally, I'm learning to keep my eyes open so that God can comfort me. Butterflies in the early morning when I drag myself out of bed and let the dogs out or his smell on his favorite Texas jacket that will always hang in my closet bring me comfort through my tears. And maybe, if I play my cards right, one day when I close my eyes in this world and open them in the next, the first thing I will see will be his smiling face and and the first thing I will hear is him saying "hey babe".
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
A Short Moment in Time....
For a short moment in time we are teenagers surrounded by friends and family at a small church in a small, dusty and beloved West Texas town.
For a short moment in time we are young adults facing monumental decisions but not facing them alone because as you tell me on a daily basis, we will always have one another.
For a short moment in time we are young, tired parents with an active 3-year old whose covered in chicken pox and a baby on the way.
For a short moment in time we broke one another so badly that its hard to imagine there's enough glue in the world to hold the pieces of our life together.
For a short moment in time we are waving goodbye to our home, our safe place but also our demons and headed east to a new home and a new way of life.
For a short moment in time we are young parents who scrimped and saved and took a wide eyed 5 year old and a hyper 8 year old to Walt Disney World for a vacation that would stay in our memories and provide joy and comfort to us for many years to come.
For a short moment in time our lives are crazy with work, two active kids whom we spend hours each week taxing to cheerleading, basketball, cub scouts, parties, dances, PTA, school and everywhere in between.
For a short moment in we are beaming with pride as we drop our once hyper 8 year old, now high school graduate, off at college realizing that leaving our safe place all those years ago was the right decision.
For a short moment in time we are standing in a room, listening to machines and doctors, praying for one more day.
For a short moment in time we forget about medicine, doctors, nurses, and cheer our cheerleader as she leaves high school behind and starts a new adventure at a new school in a new town.
For a short moment in time as we pray for more days as we realize how precious yet short our time on earth really is.
For a short moment in time we are in a room filled with love, heartache and tears while all the moments in time we've shared together fill my mind and make goodbye even harder.
At that moment, on July 13th, 2016 at 11:36 AM, short moments in time stop and are replaced with long moments of grief, heartbreak, tears and a longing that can't be put into words.
For a short moment in time we are young adults facing monumental decisions but not facing them alone because as you tell me on a daily basis, we will always have one another.
For a short moment in time we are young, tired parents with an active 3-year old whose covered in chicken pox and a baby on the way.
For a short moment in time we broke one another so badly that its hard to imagine there's enough glue in the world to hold the pieces of our life together.
For a short moment in time we are waving goodbye to our home, our safe place but also our demons and headed east to a new home and a new way of life.
For a short moment in time we are young parents who scrimped and saved and took a wide eyed 5 year old and a hyper 8 year old to Walt Disney World for a vacation that would stay in our memories and provide joy and comfort to us for many years to come.
For a short moment in time our lives are crazy with work, two active kids whom we spend hours each week taxing to cheerleading, basketball, cub scouts, parties, dances, PTA, school and everywhere in between.
For a short moment in we are beaming with pride as we drop our once hyper 8 year old, now high school graduate, off at college realizing that leaving our safe place all those years ago was the right decision.
For a short moment in time we are standing in a room, listening to machines and doctors, praying for one more day.
For a short moment in time we forget about medicine, doctors, nurses, and cheer our cheerleader as she leaves high school behind and starts a new adventure at a new school in a new town.
For a short moment in time as we pray for more days as we realize how precious yet short our time on earth really is.
For a short moment in time we are in a room filled with love, heartache and tears while all the moments in time we've shared together fill my mind and make goodbye even harder.
At that moment, on July 13th, 2016 at 11:36 AM, short moments in time stop and are replaced with long moments of grief, heartbreak, tears and a longing that can't be put into words.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
1440 Minutes
What’s in a day? For starters, one thousand four hundred and
forty minutes, which sounds like a lot but in the end, is never enough. February
16th, 2013 was no ordinary day and those 1440 minutes dramatically changed
the landscape of many lives. What do I remember about those 1440 minutes? I
remember the sounds of Trouper telling me he felt like he was drowning and I
remember the nurse who told me if I couldn’t hold myself together I had to
leave. I remember Trouper mouthing “I’m sorry and I love you” and I remember
old Dr. Blincoe whose glasses always seemed to be at the end of his nose, which
I despised at first but came to love as the years rolled by. I remember sitting
on the floor of a hallway for what seemed like days, the same floor I would sit
on the morning I said goodbye. I remember the faces of friends and family who
rushed to be by our side; the look on TJ’s face as he said “Dara, I don’t think
I can do this” and the sound of my Mom and Sister’s voices as they hugged me
and said “don’t worry, we’re here”. What I remember most was bargaining with
God. I know you’re not ever supposed to do that but I didn’t ask for much, just
another 1440 minutes. God was listening and he gave us not only 1440 minutes,
he gave us 1,802,880 minutes (3 years, 5 months and 2 days). I’m beyond grateful
for every minute we were granted and while I would change a few things, for the
most part I’m satisfied about the way our family, especially our Super Trouper,
chose to live those minutes. He filled them with love, gratefulness,
forgiveness, faith, reflection and hope. But, as the 1 Corinthians 13:13 tells
us, the greatest of these was love. He gave and received love from all over the
world, from people he’d never met, from people he hadn’t heard from in 30 years
and from people who lived in the same house. So on the anniversary of the 1440
minutes that changed my life forever, I want to ask you for something. As my Mom
said earlier today, live like Trouper. Not only live but love like Trouper.
Even when he was at his worst, he still managed to let everyone know how he
felt about them. Above all else, that was his greatest accomplishment in this
life. He once said the love you give is the love you receive and that was a
running theme in his life. He gave love and got love, and in the end, that love
has carried me through the past 267840 minutes since I said “see ya soon”. Just
remember, if you’re thinking about someone, let them know. If someone has hurt
you in the past, forgive them and move on and if you love someone, don’t forget
to say it, shout it, show it and mean it because this could be the last 1440
minutes you ever have with them. And this my friends, is what love looks like.......
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Yesterday, Today and Especially Tomorrow
For almost four months, I've thought about this blog and what I would say or how it would end. My blog has been all about Trouper; our love, our struggles, our joys and our heartbreaks. I thought, did it end on July 13th, when he took his last breath or perhaps June 20th, when his fight took a different turn and he was placed on full life support? Then I remembered something we always said to one another; I love you yesterday, today and especially tomorrow. Just because he isn't physically here doesn't mean I can't continue to write about him, share stories and things about him that perhaps people might not know. I've also been contemplating a book; a book about our life together from the moment he saw me sitting in front of church, reading a note from another boy, to our last kiss on a warm, sunny July morning. A book I will call Yesterday, Today and Especially Tomorrow because that's what life is; it's full of yesterday's adventures, today's surprises and tomorrow's hope. Trouper was all three; he loved adventures and spent lots of his yesterday's seeking them out (and always had a story and often a scar from those adventures). He never ceased to amaze me with his daily surprises and he always had hope that a better tomorrow was on it's way. Once, he told me something that has really resonated with me the past four months; life is short and doesn't come with a pause or rewind button. Enjoy every moment; the good, the bad and the even worse and do it with love in your heart. He often told people (and it was said a few times at his memorial service) the love you give is the love you receive and I can certainly tell you that Trouper Gamble gave and received more love in his short 42 years than some do in 90 years. So, my friends, this isn't the end of the Team Super Trouper blog, it's just going to take a different path. One that he encouraged, and so many other people have encouraged; a book about our yesterdays, today's and our tomorrows. Bare with me while I test chapters out on you and please, feel free to offer suggestions and help because I need all of them I can get.
One last note. People continue to ask how the kids and I are doing. Truth is, it's a minute by minute type thing. You never know when grief will hit you and you become a blubbering mess and while I've been told it gets better, I can't even begin to imagine how. The three of us are surviving together. Trouper always had faith we would, he knew we were a strong family with an unfaltering love for one another. We have always relied on each other when things got tough and that's made us closer than most families. We've seen the bad but we've met that bad together. We've also had such an outpouring of love, support and prayers and for that, we are eternally grateful. Trouper touched so many people, and in the end, he wasn't just our Super Trouper he was the world's Super Trouper and I'm happy to share him.
XO Dara
One last note. People continue to ask how the kids and I are doing. Truth is, it's a minute by minute type thing. You never know when grief will hit you and you become a blubbering mess and while I've been told it gets better, I can't even begin to imagine how. The three of us are surviving together. Trouper always had faith we would, he knew we were a strong family with an unfaltering love for one another. We have always relied on each other when things got tough and that's made us closer than most families. We've seen the bad but we've met that bad together. We've also had such an outpouring of love, support and prayers and for that, we are eternally grateful. Trouper touched so many people, and in the end, he wasn't just our Super Trouper he was the world's Super Trouper and I'm happy to share him.
XO Dara
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