Wisdom PHA

I often find myself splitting my life into two sections; BHA and PHA – before heart attack and post heart attack. A few weeks ago, someone asked me what one thing have I learned PHA. Truth be told, it is impossible for me to come up with one thing. I've learned so much about life, about myself, about love and about loss. I have summed up some of the best things that are running through my mind, some of the most important bullet points PHA. 

• Life is one thing, and in an instance, it becomes something else.
• Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes, choices make you.
• I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.
• Just let it go. Let resentment go, allow hurt feelings to heal and keep moving forward.
• Stop looking for a happy ending and start enjoying the journey.
• Live in the moment. You can’t change the past and you aren’t guaranteed a future.
• Let others help and comfort you. You are not an island.
• When tragedy strikes, it affects people differently.  There aren’t any rules for dealing with critically ill loved ones.
• Cherish the small things, and commit them to your memory bank. They will get you through the dark times and one day, you will look back and realize they were the big things.
• The true meaning of love is all around you; take notice and embrace it.
• You might not have gone the path you intended on going, but you ended up where you needed to be.
• Love never dies. It never goes away or fades. Love can make you immortal. Love can heal.
• You can have wishes, make plans but at the end of the day, it’s out of your control.
• And last, just hold on, God knows what he is doing and has a plan. 

Pushy Dara

It's been a hard winter. Ice apocalypse, family difficulties, struggles and the loss of a dear sweet man. Perhaps that's why I've been in a depression, which, believe it or not, isn't like me. Although Trouper might argue, I'm typically Pushy Dara, the "let me organize this disaster, take the helm and make it better" kind of person. Lately, I think that Dara is gone.

I find myself thinking of younger Dara. The Dara who thought 40 was old. The Dara who thought she still had time to figure out her life, the Dara who thought her future was going to be all sunshine and rainbows. That Dara was stupid. Life had other plans. Yes, I'm responsible for my own destiny but lately, I find myself wondering who is upstairs, playing chess with our lives. You move here, jump there, stall here. Who is driving this old dirty pick up truck, me or someone who likes run stop signs and take the curves at 100 MPH? What happened to my plans? Did I ever really have plans or were they youthful delusions?

Okay, I'm rambling and I really don't know where this blog is going, it's just me, having a difficult moment. I miss Texas and sometimes, I just need someone to tell me it's going to be alright. Sometimes I need someone else to be pushy Dara for me, and take his disaster and organize it and make it better. Sometimes the weight of the world is too much for me and I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to look at the calendar and think about doctor appointments, or what medicine needs to be refilled, or how we are going to get the money to pay for that doctor appointment and medicine. I want to look at the calendar and plan my beach vacation, my getaway from reality. I want to go out on a Friday night, go to the hair salon, plan a trip home to lay on my Mom's sofa and let her cook dinner. Yes folks, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling unappreciated, guilty and helpless.

But, reality is, I'm fortunate and I need to always remember that and be grateful. I have my husband, two precious children, and host of family and friends who love us and I have hope. Without hope, we have nothing. I hope my children know how much I love them, I hope my husband knows that I would move the world for him and I hope that life gets better. No, I know it will get better because in the end, Pushy Dara will make sure it does.

The Wisdom of Winnie the Pooh

When I was pregnant with Emily, I wanted to decorate her room in a Winnie the Pooh theme. Trouper said no. For some odd reason, he wasn't a Pooh Bear fan, so I gave up however, Emily had other plans. She fell in love with that silly old bear and, as soon as she could crawl, her and Pooh Bear were off and running. For her 2nd birthday, my brother braved the July heat and dressed up as Winnie the Pooh and when Emily saw the head come off, revealing Uncle Bumper, she screamed "Pooh ate Uncle Bumper"! When we moved to Atlanta, and she was 3, I took her to a store and told her to pick out decorations for her new room. You guessed it, Pooh Bear. I love that silly old bear from Pooh Corner's too and, throughout the years, have kept his quotes and wisdom close to my heart.

One morning, shortly after my beloved brother AKA Uncle Bumper passed away, I came across the picture of him dressed as Pooh Bear and immediately thought of the Pooh quote "how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard". Such a wise and loving bear. For the past year, I have had a quote on my desk, tucked away behind my keyboard. Yes, another Winnie the Pooh quote but one that ties into my life so wonderfully, reminding me of my resilience and strength. Something I can hear my brother saying, or texting as he tended to do late at night when he wasn't feeling well, and something that has kept me smiling.

"If ever there is a day when we aren't together....there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you"

This applies to so many aspects of my life. Each day presents a new challenge and with each one, I wonder how much more I can take. I can take a lot, apparently, because through everything, I'm still here and still standing. Each challenge brings a new perspective, but also a new love for a wise old bear from the hundred acre woods. He has seen our family through birth, death and every minute in between. He has words of comfort for every situation and still makes my baby girl smile. When she's home from college, her Pooh Bear pillow pet comes home with her. Her and her daddy still watch Pooh Bear movies together, especially at 2 am, long after Mom has gone to bed.

 So, in the words of our families favorite bear (actually the bear's best friend, Christopher Robin) "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

See ya soon Buddy!

Last week, I had the privilege of being among a host of family and friends, saying good-bye to our beloved Gene Moore. I was with his precious Gina when he contacted her, after many years apart, and asked her to lunch. I was on the phone with her a short time after he proposed in picturesque Nigera Falls. I planned a fall wedding for the lovebirds, because, as Gina tells everyone, I am her personal event planner. I spent birthdays, holidays, and many special moments with them and I was with her as she said goodbye to her one true love.

As we planned the funeral, I felt so honored because I was present for so many of their memories and milestones and could recall their love story, from the first "remember me" email to the last goodbye in that cold hospital room, as if it were my own. I was also reminded that eventually, the moment of goodbye will come to us all. Hopefully, when our journey on this earth ends, we will have spent many decades together but if not, I pray that I filled my short time on earth as well as Gene and Gina. No adventure was too big or small for them. No question of love or loyalty and no expired romance. They never hit the snooze button on their dreams, and they never took one another for granted. Their last texts were filled with a playful banter, overflowing with love for one another.

In his short 49 years, Gene amassed an enormous group of friends and every single one had a Gene and Gina story. Their love transcends time and measure and certainly death. They devoted every waking moment to making the other one happy and writing their story, and I'm so happy I was included in a few chapters of their book. I won't say goodbye Buddy, I will say see you soon, and just so you know, I expect a "Gene" hug when my new journey starts.

Baby Silas

In early fall, our family, like many other families around the world, learned of Baby Silas. A sweet, cherub faced infant from Atlanta, desperate for a heart. In October, at six months of age, he received a Berlin Heart, the child version of an LVAD, the lifesaving device Trouper has had since August. They deemed him Super Silas, just like our own Super Trouper, because he is "a superhero, a fighter who is stronger than average". As a mother, I ached for his parents, watching their helpless baby fight for his life. As the wife of a patient awaiting the precious gift of a heart, I sympathize with their agonizing wait and know how the minutes turn into days and the days turn into months. Months of medicine, of doctor and hospital visits. Months of hopefulness and also months of depression. Months of praying for such a precious gift, but also months of praying for a family who will be losing their precious loved one so our Super Trouper can survive. Days before 2013 faded into 2014, Baby Silas received a holiday miracle, he got his new heart! Less than 24 hours after surgery, Baby Silas was smiling and his color had improved. A few weeks after receiving his miracle, he was headed home, after five months as a patient at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. As we watched the follow up, we cried. We cried for his strength, his resilience, his future but mostly for the hope it provided. Hope that our own journey will lead us to the gift of life.

Baby Silas' mother said she knows God has a plan for him and is excited to see it unfold. I'm excited too, excited to watch Baby Silas thrive and flourish and excited for the future. Our future, just like Baby Silas', relies on the generous gift of life. The future is created by what you do today, so please consider becoming an organ donor. Live life, then give life. Without organ donation, there is no story, no hope and no transplant. But when there is donation, life springs from death, sorrow turns into hope and a terrible loss becomes a tremendous gift. If you are already a donor, please make sure your loved ones know your wishes, and how much donation means to you.

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/24167712/silas-huffman-gets-new-hearts-as-people-prayforsilas#axzz2rG4I9IiK

www.donatelife.net

Reflections

Before I make my New Year's resolutions, resolutions I probably won't keep, I feel I should reflect on the year that was, the year of 2013. I remember my triumphs and my missteps, the promises made and the ones broken.

In January, our baby girl was accepted into two colleges and we were helping her decide her future. A mere month later, our beloved Trouper was fighting for his life, and our family was forever changed. In March, while Trouper was still in the hospital, Emily received not one but two college scholarships. In April, we took a group of teenagers to the beach, their last spring break as high schoolers while our precious son changed his life plans to be a "stay at home" son and care for his dad. May brought both highs and lows, the week we were set to celebrate our baby girls graduation, we were told Trouper wasn't getting better and would need a new heart to survive. In June we floated through, not sure what to expect and in July, we settled into a two month stay in the hospital, waiting for the gift of a new heart. August brought tears of joy and sadness. The same week our baby left for college we were told that time wasn't our friend and Trouper couldn't wait for a heart, and would need life saving LVAD surgery.

Fall faded into winter and here we are again, on New Year's Day, with another chance. A chance to forgive, a chance to do better, do more, to give more and a chance to love more. A chance to stop worrying about the what if and start embracing the what can be. So on this first day of 2014, as I reflect on the most difficult year of my life, I am reminded that greatness is on the horizon and no matter what life throws at me, I will get through it with love, patience, kindness and grace and always have another chance to get it right!

Holidays, LVADS and travel...OH MY!

2013 has certainly been an adventurous year! If someone had told me on January 1st that our family would be facing such difficult challenges this year I would have said no and probably called you crazy! Truth is, our journey in 2013 has been one of sadness and difficulty, but also one of joy and pride. I am so proud of my family and friends for the love, support and guidance they have given us. From the calls, texts and emails, to the monetary and financial help, everyone has lifted us up and kept us moving. I'm so proud of our children and the way they stepped up to provide support and love to their Dad and I. Yes, they are adults but at 18 and 21, they are still trying to find their place in this world and they certainly never expected to be faced with such adult issues so early in life. But they are our children, and come from a family of love, laughter and spirit and have shown us that they can withstand anything this life has to throw at them. My precious Trouper, with his infectious laughter and endearing smile, has gone through endless pain but always put our family before his own wants or needs. When the doctor came into his hospital room in August, and said it was time to give up on a heart for a little while and get an LVAD, he looked at me and said he would hold on a little longer if I wanted him too. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and just like I tell him, I will continue to fight for him, even when he is too tired to fight. 2013, a year we will certainly never forget.

We leave for Texas on Saturday, going to spend time with family and friends in Arlington and Ranger. My Grandma Dorothy is 89 and I want to spend one more Christmas Eve with her, hearing stories about Christmas' of yesteryear and holding her hand while she watches everyone open gifts. She is an amazing women, and I owe her more than I can ever repay. She loves unconditionally, praises the Lord even during the most difficult times and inspires me to be the best woman I can be. Trouper wants to spend time with his family, including all the nieces and nephews. He has been through so much, and knows the value of time. Time is so precious and limited, this year has shown us that we don't need to waste it or wait for the perfect time to visit family.

This year our family is a little larger and Emily's boyfriend, Jake, will accompany us on our trip. I hope he's prepared for the craziness when we are all together. Coming from a family of 14 kids, I'm sure he can handle it but then again, we are a very special group. Traveling with an LVAD is challenging, we have to remember all the batteries and equipment, medicine and supplies. I've left lists for the kids and Trouper, so they can prepare while I'm at work but I am sure I will be trying to get it all pulled together at the last minute. Who knows if we will actually make it to Texas with everything we need, I'm just glad they have Kroger there because I know we can get any medicine we need or might have missed.

As for my last thoughts of 2013, I would like to leave you with a blessing:

May your home be filled with laughter, may your pockets be filled with gold. Any may you always have all the happiness your heart can hold.

Happy holidays friends and family and always remember you are a blessing to me!