Wisdom PHA

I often find myself splitting my life into two sections; BHA and PHA – before heart attack and post heart attack. A few weeks ago, someone asked me what one thing have I learned PHA. Truth be told, it is impossible for me to come up with one thing. I've learned so much about life, about myself, about love and about loss. I have summed up some of the best things that are running through my mind, some of the most important bullet points PHA. 

• Life is one thing, and in an instance, it becomes something else.
• Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes, choices make you.
• I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.
• Just let it go. Let resentment go, allow hurt feelings to heal and keep moving forward.
• Stop looking for a happy ending and start enjoying the journey.
• Live in the moment. You can’t change the past and you aren’t guaranteed a future.
• Let others help and comfort you. You are not an island.
• When tragedy strikes, it affects people differently.  There aren’t any rules for dealing with critically ill loved ones.
• Cherish the small things, and commit them to your memory bank. They will get you through the dark times and one day, you will look back and realize they were the big things.
• The true meaning of love is all around you; take notice and embrace it.
• You might not have gone the path you intended on going, but you ended up where you needed to be.
• Love never dies. It never goes away or fades. Love can make you immortal. Love can heal.
• You can have wishes, make plans but at the end of the day, it’s out of your control.
• And last, just hold on, God knows what he is doing and has a plan. 

Pushy Dara

It's been a hard winter. Ice apocalypse, family difficulties, struggles and the loss of a dear sweet man. Perhaps that's why I've been in a depression, which, believe it or not, isn't like me. Although Trouper might argue, I'm typically Pushy Dara, the "let me organize this disaster, take the helm and make it better" kind of person. Lately, I think that Dara is gone.

I find myself thinking of younger Dara. The Dara who thought 40 was old. The Dara who thought she still had time to figure out her life, the Dara who thought her future was going to be all sunshine and rainbows. That Dara was stupid. Life had other plans. Yes, I'm responsible for my own destiny but lately, I find myself wondering who is upstairs, playing chess with our lives. You move here, jump there, stall here. Who is driving this old dirty pick up truck, me or someone who likes run stop signs and take the curves at 100 MPH? What happened to my plans? Did I ever really have plans or were they youthful delusions?

Okay, I'm rambling and I really don't know where this blog is going, it's just me, having a difficult moment. I miss Texas and sometimes, I just need someone to tell me it's going to be alright. Sometimes I need someone else to be pushy Dara for me, and take his disaster and organize it and make it better. Sometimes the weight of the world is too much for me and I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to look at the calendar and think about doctor appointments, or what medicine needs to be refilled, or how we are going to get the money to pay for that doctor appointment and medicine. I want to look at the calendar and plan my beach vacation, my getaway from reality. I want to go out on a Friday night, go to the hair salon, plan a trip home to lay on my Mom's sofa and let her cook dinner. Yes folks, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling unappreciated, guilty and helpless.

But, reality is, I'm fortunate and I need to always remember that and be grateful. I have my husband, two precious children, and host of family and friends who love us and I have hope. Without hope, we have nothing. I hope my children know how much I love them, I hope my husband knows that I would move the world for him and I hope that life gets better. No, I know it will get better because in the end, Pushy Dara will make sure it does.